November 13, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 42  

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Raccoons can be evil, but not that evil

Dear Editor,

For weeks I have been dealing with a problem, a problem which has consumed my very existence. The problem is an infestation of flesh-eating raccoons in my house.

Strange as it may sound, these little critters have been feverishly devouring kittens and mice in our backyard for weeks. Luckily, we have been spared from their ravenous wrath because they have yet to gain access to our house.

We haven't really had a problem with them until one of my roommates passed out on the front lawn after an over-extended night of drinking. My poor roommate regained consciousness only to discover one of his arms and several of his toes had been gnawed off.

It's gotten serious now. We have hired exterminators and have laid traps to capture the feral bastards. We've even spent whole nights on the front porch armed with squirrel rifles trying to kill them ourselves but the creatures breed, so they reproduce faster than we can kill them.

How do I kill them?

A raccoon-hating student

Dear raccoon-hating student,

You're obviously a lying bastard.

Your roommate did not have one of his arms gnawed off by flesh-eating raccoons. In fact, you probably just wrote this "Ask the Editor" question because you've read about all the other problems I've helped to solve: tea kettle-loving ant infestations, Guinea Pig eating addictions and voter apathy.

However, because there may be some Western students who have legitimate problems dealing with those little raccoon bandits, I'll address part of your question anyway.

Raccoons are inquisitive shit heads. If you really want to kill them, lure them into a vulnerable area and take your best shot. But ask yourself this: who do you think they're going to haunt after they die?

To "Ask the Editor" about absolutely anything, just send an e-mail to:



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