November 14, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 43  

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NEWS

Hilton sex tapes and crazy Mclawsuits

By Laura Katsirdakis
Gazette Staff

Duh-dada-da, presenting "News for Dummies", The Gazette's new, now multi-tasking gizmo, which will continue to provide you with news from the outside world (despite the lack of relevant news). This week's "Dummies" provides a sweeping look at the week's most amusing, although probably not the most informative, happenings around the world.

Municipal elections this week boasted the usual lower-than-hoped-for voter turnout. Voter apathy, exhibit one. In addition, the results of voting here in London returned incumbents to their offices in almost every case. Hmm, constituent satisfaction? Or voter apathy, exhibit two?

In other political news, the ancient Prime Minister Jean Chretien is finally on the way out, announcing he will step down Jan. 12, in time for Canada's very own CEO, Paul Martin, to take the Liberal lead. Yesterday, Chretien's farewell party featured Paul "flashbacks to my mother's boring radio station" Anka, while Martin's welcome party tonight will boast U2's Bono. Yawn.

McDonald's was also in the news when its highest executives reportedly complained to the publishers of a best-selling dictionary about the use of the term "McJob" to describe a low-level, low-paying, dead-end job. [Insert McJoke here].

Private Jessica Lynch, whose injury and imprisonment in Iraq attracted much media attention, will be receiving an 80 per cent pension from the United States army. Specialist Shoshana Johnson, who was injured in the same ambush as Lynch and who was imprisoned along with Lynch, has received a 30 per cent pension. The difference between the two cases? Lynch is a blue-eyed, blonde, white woman; Johnson is a heavier-set black woman. God Bless America.

Lynch also got a $1 million book deal, a television movie based on her and was interviewed by Diane Sawyer. Johnson, apart from being honoured by congress' black caucus, has had no recognition and is reportedly suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.

Larry Flynt, who claimed to have topless photos of Lynch, announced he will dip into the deep well of goodness that is his heart and not publish the photos. That leaves them in that other well of goodness: his sock drawer.

Paris Hilton, on the other hand, was not so lucky. This week an amateur sex tape featuring her and an ex-boyfriend surfaced on the World Wide Web. Rumour has it Hilton's ex released the tape in a disgruntled post-break-up huff. However, her reality show is due to premier soon: the likelihood of this being a coincidence is low. Have some pity; poor, rich Paris Hilton doesn't have any other skills.

 

 

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