USC and admin bowl to death
By Marshall Bellamy
YOU SNEAKY SCOUNDREL, STOP PLAYING WITH MY BALLS. Western President Paul
Davenport raises his arm in excitement during the USC/Western administration
bowling extravaganza at Brunswick Bowl.
Lured by an open bar, sheer pin-knocking glory and the unquenchable thirst to crush each other in a daring bowling battle, members of the University Students' Council and Western's administration faced each other in what many considered a bowling duel to the death.
The bowling tournament began with the epic battle of the Pauls, as Western President Paul Davenport and USC President Paul Yeoman squared off against each other in the first round.
"I was told Dr. Davenport was a good bowler; when he showed up with his bowling bag and his shoes, I was kind of scared. But I have faith in the students," Yeoman noted in a presidential manner.
"[Yeoman]'s been playing me - he started out slow but now he's getting strikes," Davenport said, adding when the two leaders agreed on a bet for a bowling party complete with bowling shoe rentals, Yeoman mysteriously began improving his game.
Yeoman's efforts to defeat the wily French Knight proved futile as the young, inexperienced Yeoman was outclassed and outscored by Davenport. Yeoman ended the tournament with a score of 122, while Davenport finished with 147. "Dr. Davenport clocked me," Yeoman added.
The tensions of the tournament were not isolated with the riveting battle between the eternal university rivals, as their cohorts also demonstrated an ability to perform feats of bowling prowess.
"I'm feeling it. I'm really feeling it," said USC VP-finance Rohan Belliappa of what could have been his bowling skills as he warmed up for the showdown with the dreaded Western administration.
Alex Mercer, from Western's faculty relations office, was disappointed with the establishment's lack of single malt Scotch, however pulled his bowling team through what could have been a devastating defeat with the talent of bowling he developed after years of training with a secret society of bowlers.
"I haven't bowled in 10 years. It could be the beer, could be the atmosphere, could be the company, I'm just not sure," said USC councillor for Kings' College Evan Krofchick, claiming a lack of bowling ability despite his impressive show of spares.
"More alcohol works," explained an unidentified member of the administration team on her bowling score.
Jennifer Hale, with faculty recruiting and retention, trained for months in preparation for the crucial tournament, with strenuous bowling arm workouts, only to depart from the tournament with a lone spare.
The battle for bowling champ of the USC-administration duel captured the attention of everyone with its twists and turns, and its convoluted plotlines resembled those of a wrestling match.
In the end, only one was left standing. His bowling skills will be recognized the campus over and his name will live on in bowling infamy. Evan Krofchick captured the coveted bowling title.