November 19, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 45  

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NEWS

~Satire~
Tree-Huggers to rule with iron green thumb

By Dan Perry
Gazette Staff

Though the federal Liberal Party got Bono, the Tree-Huggers of Canada (THC) Party have a better gig: rocker Walt Scumsley will deliver a speech tonight at the leadership convention in Ajax, ON. The Gazette caught up with the party’s movers and shakers.

Party leader Nat Chural will be stepping down tonight, passing the torch to none other than the star performer himself, Scumsley. “Walt’s got a lot of great ideas,” Chural said. “I think he can carry this party to the next level.”

Chural reports the party has been active at the grassroots level and has plenty of artists wanting to get involved.

“The THC Party offers a viable alternative — anytime you feel like you’d love to change foreign policy or improve health care, just hug a tree,” Chural said. “It’s a great way to bring about change and studies show it’s just as effective as protesting.”

Though the THC Party’s recent election results have ranged from pitiful to ridiculous, Chural is confident Scumsley’s address tonight will do wonders for the party. “He’s really a great musician. I think he’s really got a grip on the issues facing both the party and the world,” he said.

Scumsley expressed excitement at the opportunity to soapbox. “This is huge for me; I’ve spent my entire life making music about this type of thing,” he ejaculated.

“I mean, at my last concert in Whitby, I stood up onstage in front of like 20 people and called for the federal government to ban guns,” he said. “That’s really important to me, because, man, it’s up to musicians to change the world.

“Besides, Chural’s obviously out of touch. I’ve got new ideas. World peace, for one. I think if everybody just puts their heads together, we can do this. My week of work with homeless people during my rehab program — though I got fired for selling to them — and my position in the public eye, has prepared me very well for the responsibility,” Scumsley said.

A commonly ignored backbencher from the governing party welcomed the THC Party’s new leader. “This is a guy who will definitely make my job easier. Winning elections against hippies is as easy as kicking puppies,” he said.

Scumsley plays tonight at the Backstreet Nightclub in Ajax, at the backdoor on the right side of the alley, under the fire escape. The entire party will be in attendance and all seven members are expected to blow off his speech to huff gasoline in the park.

 

 

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