November 20, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 46  

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Shiver me timber

Marshall Law
Marshall Bellamy

News Editor

My naval history seminar class is scheduled at a less than convenient time, meaning class attendance is sporadic at best, and the class readings sometimes seem as exciting as reading pages from a telephone book.

I was, however, blessed with a change in the routine during a recent class when I found out the lecture was about pirates. As I was learning about the exploits of the dreaded buccaneers, I found myself wondering what would happen if people acted like pirate more often. Then I thought if everyone acted like pirates there would be a lot of stumbling rummies hanging around campus hitting on cheerleaders and cocktail waitresses. Besides, everyone shouldn't act like me or we'd all be in a lot of trouble.

Although The Gazette has been pirate free since '73 and Pirate Bob is a rare sight nowadays, we should realize there are qualities all pirates have that we should recognize, and maybe try to pick up a few of the charming qualities of those who buckle the swashes.

Love for animals: All pirates have a love for animals or at least talking ones that are not recommended to be eaten. How else would you handle a parrot chirping in your ear about how much Polly loves crackers?

Pirates get BOOTY: Everyone should enjoy booty from time to time, whether its booty as in buried treasure or booty as in, well... the badonkadonk butt.

Overcoming their disabilities: Missing legs and eyes would cause many to pause, but not pirates! Pirates put peglegs on missing limbs, throw an eye patch over their missing eyes and continue to loot and pillage to their roguish heart's contents.

Swashbuckling charm: When talking to women I usually clumsily flirt with them, but imagine what I could do with a swashbuckler's charm. I could woo the ladies with my rugged, roguish attitude and maybe even get a phone number or two. My cell phone might not get coverage on the high seas, but I'll walk that plank when I get to it.

The belly laugh: Nothing is easier on the ears than the rum-induced chortle of a pirate hoisting the Jolly Roger while sending some poor bastard to walk the plank.

No matter how you package it, pirates are cool. And while you're attempting to be more like a rogue, I will be working harder at swashbuckling. Because when you ask what I am going to be after I'm done at Western, I will have to tell you, "A pirate I will be and the high seas I will sail in search of gold, jewels and adventure."



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