November 21, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 47  

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NEWS

Nemo results in many tropical fish deaths

By Laura Katsirdakis
Gazette Staff

Have you found the news dull lately? Has there been nothing but boring politicians and random, faraway crimes to read about in the newspaper? Well don't fear, Michael Jackson is here!

Jackson's remarkably horrific burn-victim-resembling (no offence to burn victims) mug was in newspapers again this week as new allegations of child molestation surfaced. While Jackson was away from his Neverland ranch, police obtained a search warrant for his freak park and found enough evidence to arrest and charge him. Jacko's bail was set at $3 million, or about a tenth of what he paid a poor kid last time and a hundredth of what he'll pay this time.

In related news, Michael Jackson's father publicly denied he ever beat his son. When asked for specifics, he admitted to using "the strap" on his children, but explained that he never used his fists on them, saying that wasn't a form of beating. So what he's saying is, yes he is guilty of child abuse. This is the equivalent of Bill Clinton claiming he never had sex with Monica, because oral doesn't count.

In a separate story, Finding Nemo has sold a record amount of DVDs. Additionally, there has been a huge increase in demand for tropical fish. So, a movie all about a tropical fish trying to reunite with his fishy relatives in the ocean has prompted more extraction of tropical fishies from their fishy homes. When asked, Nemo said, "Buy a gerbil, buy a cat - anything but fish."

This week also brought news the widespread blackout during the summer was not caused by Canada. An Ohio power company was to blame. Unfortunately, just as many at Western were flipping through the newspaper to read this yesterday morning, the power went out on campus. Terrorists were immediately blamed, then Ohio, and finally University Students' Council President Paul Yeoman.

TV psychologist Dr. Phil is being sued by a woman who was injured while being held in a hotel room by the show's staff. The staffers were trying to prevent her from finding out the results of a test before it was to be revealed to her on the show, but she suffered from panic attacks and tried to escape out a window. Her fall resulted in severe injuries, forcing doctors to amputate one of her legs. You'd think Dr. Phil would have better methods of dealing with all the nutbars.

 

 

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