November 25, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 48  

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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Tuesday Tease

By Queen Muff
Gazette Writer

So, you and your special lady friend have just finished a nice dinner together and you’ve decided to order the vagina for dessert. Here are some tips from a self-proclaimed “Pussy Commando” to ensure that it’s a dish enjoyed by all.

1. Warm Up: Ladies and Gents, a dry pussy is not a pussy that wants to see your face. It is a pussy that says, “What the fuck are you doing here? I’m not ready for that kinda shit yet. Go back up there and do your thing!” This is key. Those who attempt to go down prematurely are those who will be discussed afterwards with distaste. DO NOT BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

2. Take It Slow: So, you’ve finally received the signal that says, “Come on Down, We’re Open for Business.” However, this does not mean you are suddenly a hungry frat boy let loose at a buffet; vagina is a long-prepared, tasty, intimate dish — one that needs to be savoured at first. Tease my friend, tease. Slow, long licks are needed here. Start above the anus and move on up, nice and slow. Take your time and use the scenic route.

3. Make Eye Contact: Look her in the eye when you’re eating her out. That is just fucking hot.

4. Clitoris: The magic word. Ask not what the clitoris can do for you, ask what you can do for the clitoris. Find it, love it. For most women trying to get to the Big O, the clitoris is the road map. Pay no attention to it and it’ll be like licking away at a Tootsie Pop with no middle. Remember, the clit is going to get you what you both ultimately want, so give it the attention it deserves.

Wait! There’s more! More cunnilingus coming up tomorrow!

 

 

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