ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
More Tuesday Tease! Queen Muff tells all
By Queen Muff
We printed the first half of our Tuesday Tease yesterday and then teased you into picking up a copy of today's paper as well by saying that it was "to be continued" (aren't we evil?). But now, as promised, we have Queen Muff's remaining 6 tips on how to make cunnilingus just that much more exciting.
5. Meet the Neighbours: Now that you have moved into the vagina, don't just stay holed up there like a loser. Meet the neighbours. Let them know you're friendly. These include the inner thighs, the perineum, the belly and the inner and outer lips. They all want to be your friends too - not just the vagina.
6. Rhythm: You may have no rhythm on the dance floor, but have it here and all sins are forgiven - even the trucker hat. While many advise the alphabet drawing system, this expert and her pussy say NO to that. It's all about rhythm. Whether it be long and slow, or short and fast, find a rhythm that works and go with it.
7. Communicate: When you have your head wedged between someone's thighs, it's good to ensure both of you are on the same page. Some women may simply give the old moans and groans as signals. If you look up and she's reading a book, you might want to change your technique a bit. Alternately, if she is moaning, panting and shuddering, now might not be the right time to do something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. If she gives you some clues as to what to do next (i.e. "FASTER," "LOWER," "TO THE RIGHT," " WRONG HOLE"), don't be an idiot: FUCKING TAKE THEM. Good boys and girls who can follow instructions are rewarded accordingly; those who cannot are asked to pass the remote.
8. Use your Hands: You have at least one hand free. USE IT. Caress her nipples, hold her hand, grab her ass. Do something. A favourite of mine is to tease her vagina with one or two fingers while giving her clit strong rapid licks. Remember: a lot of times for a woman, a tease is as hot - if not hotter - than the real thing.
9. Get Down To It: Hopefully by this point you have figured out where all the good bits are and how they should be used. So Fucking Do THEM. Be patient and steady. Don't ask her if she's close - you'll know when she is. And don't (DO NOT) ask if she came. If she did, the neighbours should know - ask them.
10. The Finale: So she saw God (or at least you assume, since she screamed his name so many times); however, don't keep licking away unless she says so. Most women are extremely sensitive post orgasm, to the point that further stimulation might be painful. So my advice is to kiss your way back up to her face and remind her what you look like. Do it right and your face just might be one she'll bother to remember.
Play Safe and Have Fun.