November 27, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 50  

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Ask the Editor

Dear Editor,
Michael Jackson has been in the news a lot lately. Personally, I find him creepy and sad. With the recent child molestation charges against him, I actually feel very sorry for him.

As a representative of the media, I was wondering if you could explain to me why the media is being so very mean to Michael. He may be a strange, strange man, but he does not seem to deserve the media stalking his every move and digging into every detail of the case against him. Why the lack of common decency when reporting on poor, freakish Michael?

A curious inquirer
P.S. Is Michael Jackson’s face dying?

Dear curious inquirer,
A lot of people might tell you that media attention just comes along with fame and, I suppose, that’s unfortunate. In some ways, famous people should expect a certain amount of attention — they knew what they were getting into. On the other hand, no one wants to be stalked.

However, in Michael Jackson’s (here after referred to as “IT”) case, the attention is well-deserved. As much as I believe in the “innocent until proven guilty” thing, IT is obviously a child-molesting pedophiliac with issues about IT’s gender, race and sexuality (not to mention IT’s 11 year quest to find IT’s last organic nose). IT’s kids should be taken from IT and IT should be forced to decide whether or not IT wants to be a black man or a white woman.

Of course, there’s always the possibility that IT’s chimp, Bubbles, is at the root of a grand conspiracy against IT in an attempt to wrest control of the Neverland Ranch. But I doubt chimps or monkeys really comprehend sexual assault. In fact, for all we know, Bubbles is just another one of IT’s victims. I sure as hell wouldn’t be surprised. IT paid off one accuser a decade ago — but IT continued to invite little kids to “sleep overs.” What does that tell you?

To answer your second question, IT’s face has been dead for years. Did you see IT’s mugshot from last week? IT looks like an alien Barbie Doll after being microwaved by some 12-year-old girl’s perverted little brother.

The Editor
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