November 28, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 51  

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Stress? Pull out the orgasmatron!

By Laura Katsirdakis
Gazette Staff

Orgasmatron. Nothing more needs to be said except... orgasmatron! American surgeon Stuart Meloy has patented an orgasm machine. He placed advertisements in various media outlets to attract women to test out the orgasmatron, but has so far only found one female volunteer who had not had an orgasm — for four years. Maybe her desperation helped her get over the fact that the machine, the size of a pacemaker, must be implanted under the skin to work. Orgasmatron!

More news about the same gender: women have been undergoing surgical procedures to reshape their feet so they can fit into pointy shoes. Hmmm, what does this remind us of? Let’s see, foot binding in 10th century China? The Grimm Brothers’ version of Cinderella, in which the evil stepsisters cut off chunks of their feet to fit into the glass slipper in the prince’s search for the heroine. There goes the neighbourhood.

And more from the same gender: Michael Jackson. He may be less crazy than many assume. The family of the boy accusating Jacko has actually been in several other cases involving abuse allegations. In a divorce fight, the father pleaded no contest to spousal abuse and child cruelty. The family also claimed that in 1998, guards at J.C. Penny department store took the mother and two of her sons out to a parking lot, beat them all and sexually assaulted the mother. They accepted $137,500 US to settle the case. Perhaps this family has found a more lucrative way of earning a living than, you know, honest work.

In an interview with the Vancouver Sun, Alliance MP Larry Spencer said he believes there is a gay conspiracy involving the seduction of young boys in playgrounds and the deliberate infiltration of the judiciary, schools, entertainment industry and religious communities in North America. He is also concerned with conspiracies involving Nazis, women, Chinese, Jews, aliens, communists, capitalists, magical gremlins and the kids who steal his pills every day.



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