October 17, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 27  

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Midterms are an ugly, ugly time

Thrust n' Perry
Dan Perry

News Editor

Dear Registrar,

Reduce our course loads - the fate of humanity depends on it!

For as long as alumni can remember, Western students have always been the best looking students in the universe. Over the last 125 years, many students have met that special someone on our very own campus (engineers and Brescia girls in particular - what's up with that?) and gone on to populate the world with even better looking children/future Western students.

Alas, midterms are upon us and all is not well in Londontown. Student fatigue is threatening to drain the deep end of Western's prolific gene pool.

Picture yourself walking across the Concrete Beach one random day and you spot the object of your attraction. You're perfectly aware this guy/girl is typically beautiful; after all, you did meet here. When you finally get up close, you realize pretty quickly the Sep. 9 edition of your fantasy looked a lot better than this one.

At least three days worth of stubble has grown on guys after spending nights writing philosophy papers and arguing with themselves. No matter what our sex, our beautiful eyes were long ago compromised by the gigantic bags underneath them, betraying signs of the quest for a B-plus.

Our breath stinks like coffee, cigarettes and any other substances we need to get through this grind. At least half of us have colds. The worst, however, is yet to come.

But what if we do manage to overcome all these barriers and actually go out with that someone we've spent these last six weeks looking for (or at least looking at)? Try conversing in this state.

"Yeah, I like stuff... oh wow, I should really be writing my essay... so what was your name again? Oh OK... purple monkey dishwasher... " And then an awkward silence followed by unintelligible mumbling.

Now what? No longer looking good or sounding smart, the odds are strongly against us. Let's say we do manage to play all our cards right, and end up at home with this someone, the roomies out of town, some Barry White on... and what happens next? The clichéd "greatest night of your life?" No.

We pass out.

This may not seem to matter much today, but think about the future. If we spend our time here unattractive and disgusted with each other, then the unthinkable could happen: Western could become ugly.




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