October 2, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 20  

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Fighting music piracy with cute kitten love

Maggie Wrobel

Campus Life Editor

As the problem of music piracy spreads, the Recording Industry Association of America and the Canadian Recording Industry Association have been presented with the challenge of combating these ruthless thieves of music using any and all methods at their disposal.

Unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending on who you are) the RIAA and the CRIA have not been very creative in their tactics thus far and have only managed to apprehend a mere 261 people from a pool of millions of possible culprits.

Obviously, these groups are falling short of their desired victim tally because of a lack of gusto. What they need is more enthusiasm and original ideas for apprehending those pesky music robbers.

Well, never fear, recording industry bullies! For your convenience, I have compiled a short but effective list of suggestions sure to stop illegal downloading culprits in their tracks.

1) Pirates:

Really now, who better to fight piracy than those swashbuckling, peg-legged, parrot-carrying charmers who aren't afraid to spill someone's blood for a good cause? Not to mention, I heard they all look like Johnny Depp. If this is in fact true, proceed directly to suggestion number four.

2) Free kittens:

The insane cuteness and adorable precociousness of kittens harbours powers that, until now, have remained untapped by the general populace. The unholy marriage of irresistible kittens and the evil recording industry will undoubtedly prove to be the most successful pairing of cute and evil since Paul McCartney recorded with Michael Jackson.

3) Torture:

Torture is always effective, particularly if it incorporates one or more of the following:
a) Photos of Celine Dion.
b) Anything involving P. Diddy's girl-group Dream.
c) Much Music's Rick Campanelli.

4) Sexual favours:

Sure, this one's kind of obvious. But just think of how effective you were at multi-tasking the last time someone's head was in your lap. Did you manage to download any songs? Didn't think so.

5) Turning all downloads into free Clay Aiken songs:

Obviously, this cold-hearted tactic will deter anyone with even a shred of sanity from ever downloading music.



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