October 22, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 29  

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NEWS

~Satire~
New candidates follow Schwarzenegger

By Shannon Proudfoot
Gazette Staff

TORONTO - Arnold Schwarzenegger's Oct. 8 victory in the California election has prompted unusual candidates to express interest in running for political office.

Anita Guarino, 68, of Regina, Sask., said she is too shy for political ambitions of her own, but is running a campaign on behalf of someone she feels is perfect for the job. "My cat Mr. Stringbean is so wise, he always knows just what to do to make people feel better," Guarino said. "He will make a perfect MLA and I'm going to make sure everyone in Regina knows it, even if I have to knit these 'Vote for Mr. Stringbean' tea cozies all night."

Mr. Stringbean will not appear on a ballot, as in addition to being non-human, he is deceased and has existed as a stuffed and preserved carcass since 1994. When questioned how her candidate will overcome these difficulties, Guarino hummed "Amazing Grace" and turned on Wheel of Fortune.

Paul Orchard-Smith, of Sudbury, ON, is the founding and only member of the Numismatic Party of Canada and plans to run in next year's federal election. Orchard-Smith said his party advocates phrasing all political matters in a Yes or No format and deciding the outcome by flipping a coin.

"By allowing fate to determine the outcome, we eliminate the bias of human politicians making actual conscious decisions. So then it's not our fault if the whole country goes to hell," he explained.

The top 10 runners-up of Canadian Idol plan to run on a slate in their home ridings in the upcoming federal election. Amid verses of Christina Aguilera songs, the group said its major mandate is having overall winner Ryan Malcolm exiled to Austria.

"God, his 15 minutes are so over," said Toya Alexis, a finalist from Ajax, ON. Asked who would have been a better choice, party members were unable to come to a consensus, all advocating for themselves.

"Schwarzenegger fared surprisingly well," said George Palmerston, a University of Toronto political science professor. "Considering his inexperience, the allegations of sexual assault and the fact that he's a big, stupid meathead."

"This system gives everyone an opportunity to express their views. Of course, this means that absolutely anyone can run. Anyone."

 

 

 

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