October 23 , 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 30  

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Gandhi, Patton and wimpy Ron MacLean

Marshall Law
Marshall Bellamy

News Editor

After consuming what was probably a bad bottle of rum, I found myself sitting in on a roundtable discussion concerning Canadian military spending with Gen. George Patton, Mahatma Gandhi and myself with Coach's Corner's Ron MacLean mediating. Here's what was said during the hallucination...

Me: I guess the question is: should Canada increase military spending?

Gandhi: Ever since I got my stomach stapled, I have felt military conflict is wrong and we should all advocate non-violence.

Patton: We gotta get rid of the Russians now and this skinny bastard Gandhi is working for them. I can smell commie all over him, with a hint of lavender.

MacLean: General, I'm going to have to ask you to stop poking Gandhi with a stick.

Patton: The fact is war is healthy; it turns boys into men and thins out the pussies, like Ron MacLean. You'd be the first girly boy to go if Canada got into a war.

(MacLean sobs, wimpers, wets his pants and runs out of the room.)

Me: Now that he's gone, is the government justified in spending a lot of money on the military?

Gandhi: The government should worry instead about ensuring that everybody has affordable access to Fig Newtons. Nothing gets you through a hunger strike or a political fast like having a bubble bath, turning on some Kenny G and nibbling on a few Fig Newtons.

Patton: I like any cookies as long as it doesn't have the fruit in the middle. I bet Gandhi has nothing but fruit in the middle, because all I hear from him is that wimpy non-violence garbage.

Gandhi: Maybe we should take all our soldiers and train them to become free-loving hippies who prance and gamble about the meadows.

Patton: We need war. It's fun and gives me a chance to kill Nazis. Killing Nazis is fun and I can't do that without an army.

Gandhi: Killing Nazis may be fun but I'm just really happy they brought back Joe Millionaire; I just got a deal with FOX and I'm going to be the next one.

Patton: People think I'm all blood and guts, but I have a sensitive side too and I when I really get frustrated, I watch Martha Stewart with a bowl of fat-free frozen yogurt and do some cross-stitch.

Me: This is a little too much for a rum-induced vision, can we stick to the topic and make our final statements?

Gandhi: Well in Canada's case, the need for a military is outweighed by the fact the damn country doesn't need a military.

Patton: Canada has to worry about the commies and the Nazis. If it lets its guard down it will fall victim to trouble and it's a sign of national strength.

(MacLean enters room, agrees with everyone and kicks Patton in the shin, yells for more military spending and health care but lower taxes... and then runs.)




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