Gandhi, Patton and wimpy Ron MacLean
After consuming what was probably a bad bottle of rum, I found
myself sitting in on a roundtable discussion concerning Canadian
military spending with Gen. George Patton, Mahatma Gandhi and
myself with Coach's Corner's Ron MacLean mediating. Here's
what was said during the hallucination...
Me: I guess the question is: should Canada increase military
Gandhi: Ever since I got my stomach stapled, I have felt military
conflict is wrong and we should all advocate non-violence.
Patton: We gotta get rid of the Russians now and this skinny
bastard Gandhi is working for them. I can smell commie all
over him, with a hint of lavender.
MacLean: General, I'm going to have to ask you to stop poking
Gandhi with a stick.
Patton: The fact is war is healthy; it turns boys into men
and thins out the pussies, like Ron MacLean. You'd be the first
girly boy to go if Canada got into a war.
(MacLean sobs, wimpers, wets his pants and runs out of the
Me: Now that he's gone, is the government justified in spending
a lot of money on the military?
Gandhi: The government should worry instead about ensuring
that everybody has affordable access to Fig Newtons. Nothing
gets you through a hunger strike or a political fast like having
a bubble bath, turning on some Kenny G and nibbling on a few
Patton: I like any cookies as long as it doesn't have the
fruit in the middle. I bet Gandhi has nothing but fruit in
the middle, because all I hear from him is that wimpy non-violence
Gandhi: Maybe we should take all our soldiers and train them
to become free-loving hippies who prance and gamble about the
Patton: We need war. It's fun and gives me a chance to kill
Nazis. Killing Nazis is fun and I can't do that without an
Gandhi: Killing Nazis may be fun but I'm just really happy
they brought back Joe Millionaire; I just got a deal with FOX
and I'm going to be the next one.
Patton: People think I'm all blood and guts, but I have a
sensitive side too and I when I really get frustrated, I watch
Martha Stewart with a bowl of fat-free frozen yogurt and do
Me: This is a little too much for a rum-induced vision, can
we stick to the topic and make our final statements?
Gandhi: Well in Canada's case, the need for a military is
outweighed by the fact the damn country doesn't need a military.
Patton: Canada has to worry about the commies and the Nazis.
If it lets its guard down it will fall victim to trouble and
it's a sign of national strength.
(MacLean enters room, agrees with everyone and kicks Patton
in the shin, yells for more military spending and health care
but lower taxes... and then runs.)