October 24 , 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 31  

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Honouring the best, brightest

In the honour of Gov. General Adrienne Clarkson's honourary degree of laws from Western, The Gazette decided to honour other noteworthy people with honourary degrees. On with the honouring...

Honourary degree of the general personification of Western

Prince Charles
The prince represents everything this fine institution is about: being pompous, waspy and rich and dressing extremely well. Unfortunately, he has yet to acquire frosted tips.

Honourary degree of sweet, meaty goodness

The Hot Dog Lady
Does it really need to be explained?

Honourary degree of naked masturbation

The Naked Masturbator Pt. II
The naked masturbator spanked and spunked his way to infamy and earned himself an honourary degree. The first recipient of this prestigious award is the second masturbator, who learned some valuable lessons in yanking and the art of hiding in bushes.

Honourary degree of sporting stupidity

Steve Bartman
The Gazette is willing to offer Mr. Bartman, the man who stole the ball from the Chicago Cubs' Moises Alou in game six of the NLCS, asylum with Eugene Sheffer and Estelle Getty, as well as an honourary degree, if he is willing to trade us the infamous ball he caught.

Honourary Degree of bliss

Captain Morgan
Not only is the Captain a pirate, but he also soothes our throats and murders our livers with his alcoholic goodness. What more could you ask for? Not much.

Honourary degree of The Gazette

The graphics department
It may seem a tad self-serving, but The Gazette's graphics department definitely deserves kudos for exposing us to sperm and swearing penguins.

The Super Duper Ultra Cool Multi-Coloured Fantabulous Honourary Degree

Richard Simmons
For flaming without fire, helping grotesquely obese people get down to just being fat and for having the most sequines on a pair of shorts.

The 2nd Annual C. Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence

Patrick Swayze
For liberating The Gazette from pirates in 1973. The Gazette: Pirate Free Since '73.




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