October 24 , 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 31  

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Outside the Western gates
Joseph's world just became really funny

By Jordan Bell
Gazette Staff

Gazette File Photo
WHAT ME, WORRY? Though he bears little resemblance to Alfred E. Newman, Kobe Bryant says his upcoming sexual assault trial is nothing to lose sleep over. Ummm, good luck, Kobe.

Below is what happened in the world of professional sports this week:

South African Ernie Els won his fifth World Match Play Championship last weekend on the West Course at Wentworth. Els defeated Swede Thomas Bjorn 4 and 3 in the final. Tiger Woods declined to play in the tournament, meaning golf's bandwagon fans had to find something else to do last weekend.

Judge Frederick Gannett ruled Monday that Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant will stand trial on sexual assault charges. Bryant was quoted as saying "Basketball, zero anxiety. Other stuff, a little anxiety," in response to the anxiety he was feeling. It was also revealed Bryant is a pathological liar.

The Dallas Mavericks acquired Boston Celtics forward Antoine Walker in a five-player trade on Monday. The move added another potent scorer to their line-up, but unfortunately, they will still be eaten for breakfast by Shaq and Tim Duncan.

Detroit Red Wings backup goalie Curtis Joseph was relegated to the Wings' American Hockey League affiliate, the Grand Rapids Griffins, on Monday. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... that's all I have to say.

Another Red Wing, Brett Hull, has experienced a better fate this week. Hull moved into a fourth-place tie on the NHL career goals list (717) in the Wings' 4-1 victory over the Columbus Blue Jackets on Wednesday. Add all the goals he's scored against Joseph in practice and Hull has an amazing 609,690 goals.

The resilient Florida Marlins kept themselves in the World Series by winning game four 4-3 on Alex Gonzalez's walkoff home run. The Marlins and Yankees played last night in game five, but because I don't have the superpower to add the score to 10,000 papers tomorrow morning, you will have to find out the score somewhere else. Sucks to be you.

Cincinnati running back Corey Dillon wants out of Cincinnati. Dillon feels like he isn't getting the ball enough and thinks he would be better off somewhere else. Wow! Someone wants out of Cincinnati. Note to Dillon: How can you get the ball when your team throws an interception or fumbles on every possession?

The Toronto Maple Leafs defeated the Dallas Stars 3-1 to improve their record to 2-2-2. But don't get too excited Leafs fans because they're still trailing the Montreal Canadiens in the standings. By the way, I didn't realize Mats Sundin went home to Sweden... oh wait, he is still playing for the Leafs -he just hasn't frickin scored yet!

And in the world of annoying, bitchy athletes, the agent of the Vancouver Canucks' Todd Bertuzzi said pay now or regret it later to Canucks management. Hey Todd, aren't you the dude who has three points in seven games playing on a line with Markus Naslund and Brendan Morrison? Yes, I think you are.an Morrison? Yes, I think you are.Leafs -he just hasn't frickin scored yet! you.





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