Outside the Western gates
world just became really funny
By Jordan Bell
Gazette File Photo
WHAT ME, WORRY? Though he bears little resemblance to Alfred
E. Newman, Kobe Bryant says his upcoming sexual assault
trial is nothing to lose sleep over. Ummm, good luck,
Below is what happened in the world of professional sports
South African Ernie Els won his fifth World Match Play Championship
last weekend on the West Course at Wentworth. Els defeated
Swede Thomas Bjorn 4 and 3 in the final. Tiger Woods declined
to play in the tournament, meaning golf's bandwagon fans had
to find something else to do last weekend.
Judge Frederick Gannett ruled Monday that Los Angeles Lakers
guard Kobe Bryant will stand trial on sexual assault charges.
Bryant was quoted as saying "Basketball, zero anxiety.
Other stuff, a little anxiety," in response to the anxiety
he was feeling. It was also revealed Bryant is a pathological
The Dallas Mavericks acquired Boston Celtics forward Antoine
Walker in a five-player trade on Monday. The move added another
potent scorer to their line-up, but unfortunately, they will
still be eaten for breakfast by Shaq and Tim Duncan.
Detroit Red Wings backup goalie Curtis Joseph was relegated
to the Wings' American Hockey League affiliate, the Grand Rapids
Griffins, on Monday. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...
that's all I have to say.
Another Red Wing, Brett Hull, has experienced a better fate
this week. Hull moved into a fourth-place tie on the NHL career
goals list (717) in the Wings' 4-1 victory over the Columbus
Blue Jackets on Wednesday. Add all the goals he's scored against
Joseph in practice and Hull has an amazing 609,690 goals.
The resilient Florida Marlins kept themselves in the World
Series by winning game four 4-3 on Alex Gonzalez's walkoff
home run. The Marlins and Yankees played last night in game
five, but because I don't have the superpower to add the score
to 10,000 papers tomorrow morning, you will have to find out
the score somewhere else. Sucks to be you.
Cincinnati running back Corey Dillon wants out of Cincinnati.
Dillon feels like he isn't getting the ball enough and thinks
he would be better off somewhere else. Wow! Someone wants out
of Cincinnati. Note to Dillon: How can you get the ball when
your team throws an interception or fumbles on every possession?
The Toronto Maple Leafs defeated the Dallas Stars 3-1 to improve
their record to 2-2-2. But don't get too excited Leafs fans
because they're still trailing the Montreal Canadiens in the
standings. By the way, I didn't realize Mats Sundin went home
to Sweden... oh wait, he is still playing for the Leafs -he
just hasn't frickin scored yet!
And in the world of annoying, bitchy athletes, the agent of
the Vancouver Canucks' Todd Bertuzzi said pay now or regret
it later to Canucks management. Hey Todd, aren't you the dude
who has three points in seven games playing on a line with
Markus Naslund and Brendan Morrison? Yes, I think you are.an
Morrison? Yes, I think you are.Leafs -he just hasn't frickin
scored yet! you.