Car surfing, sign stealing and bad bridge driving
By Dan Perry
Do not steal road signs, do not pass bikes if you're driving on the University Dr. bridge, do not walk near trains... relax, your parents haven't tracked you down to punish you for your college high jinx - it's just another installment of the weekly crime report.
According to Elgin Austen, spokesperson for the Campus Community Police Service, the police are warning local thugs to turn in the punked signage. Two police officers, in a period of one day last week, went to local residences and rounded up approximately 100 stolen signs. The perps have a week to return them scot-free or face death by stoning.
In response to many complaints, campus police are planning to step up traffic control at the University Dr. bridge, Austen said. The bridge is a high congestion area, he explained, adding too many drivers are driving too fast and too close to cyclists. Possible solutions include the construction of a large net.
Const. Paul Martin, spokesperson for the London Police Department, said there were two fatalities this weekend; the first was from a single vehicle accident on Wellington Rd. and the second a male, on foot, who was waiting for an eastbound train when hit by another train.
On the lighter side of news, an 18-year old male suffered head injuries in a vehicle accident of sorts. The "victim" fell from the top of a vehicle he had jumped on when the vehicle was put into motion. Despite his valiant efforts, the car maintained a speed of 50 km/h, until Keanu Reeves could be dragged off the curb outside the liquor store to save the day.
Sources quote Reeves as slurring, "Whoa."
Finally the Fanshawe Pioneer Village haunted barn was scarier than planned when a 14-year old nearly hung herself; no one noticed until the girl failed to scream on cue and was found to have cut off her oxygen with the prop noose.
Even though she missed her cue, she was not seriously injured. She's now two inches taller and still got better reviews than Keanu.
-with files from Laura Katsirdakis