The Governor General's million dollar
By Dan Perry
From The Gazette's international bureau (OK, there isn't one,
but we can pretend), here's this week's News for Dummies.
Peter MacKay and Stephen Harper got cold feet as merger talks
between the federal Progressive Conservative Party and the
Canadian Alliance broke down this week after they found out
Canada already has a united right - it's called the Liberal
Party. In an unrelated story, some hippies hugged a tree in
celebration shortly thereafter.
Trees in Atlantic Canada didn't share that luck, as Hurricane
Juan tore through the Maritimes and left towns and abandoned
fisheries devastated. Flooding is currently threatening downtown
Halifax; a whole $25 US was reported in damages.
The Pope stood up his masses in the Vatican last week, due
to a supposed intestinal problem. Though rumours abound he
may in fact have stomach cancer, one atheist offered another
hypothesis. "We always knew he was full of shit," he said.
All the mudslinging of the past month came to an end yesterday
as the election campaign finally ended. Ernie Eves finished
it off just as he began: by making fun of Dalton McGuinty's
Other Conservatives dropping the ball this week: Mike Harris,
who said it was now Mr. McGuinty's turn to be leader and affirmed
he was voting for him. Of course, Harris meant to say "Mussolini." Of
course, I meant to say "Harris meant to say Eves."
The on-again, off-again California gubernatorial election
is on again and early reports suggest incumbent governor Gray
Davis may indeed face a total recall (I hope someone finds
a predator to terminate these barbarian film references...).
Redefining "hitting the post," Atlanta Thrashers phenom Dany
Heatley crashed his new Ferrari in Atlanta Monday night, leaving
his passenger, teammate Dan Snyder, in a coma.
Speaking of blackouts, 57 million Italians - yes, that's the
entire country - were left in the dark Sunday morning in the
next installment of the Indian summer of blackouts that has
struck North America, London and now Italy.
And finally this week, just in case you were wondering where
$11 million of your tax dollars went (only $11 million?), Adrienne
Clarkson might have the answer. That's right, Canada's diplomatic
relations are again being improved by a figurehead's vacation.