October 3, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 21  

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The Governor General's million dollar vacation

By Dan Perry
Gazette Staff

From The Gazette's international bureau (OK, there isn't one, but we can pretend), here's this week's News for Dummies.

Peter MacKay and Stephen Harper got cold feet as merger talks between the federal Progressive Conservative Party and the Canadian Alliance broke down this week after they found out Canada already has a united right - it's called the Liberal Party. In an unrelated story, some hippies hugged a tree in celebration shortly thereafter.

Trees in Atlantic Canada didn't share that luck, as Hurricane Juan tore through the Maritimes and left towns and abandoned fisheries devastated. Flooding is currently threatening downtown Halifax; a whole $25 US was reported in damages.

The Pope stood up his masses in the Vatican last week, due to a supposed intestinal problem. Though rumours abound he may in fact have stomach cancer, one atheist offered another hypothesis. "We always knew he was full of shit," he said.

All the mudslinging of the past month came to an end yesterday as the election campaign finally ended. Ernie Eves finished it off just as he began: by making fun of Dalton McGuinty's appearance.

Other Conservatives dropping the ball this week: Mike Harris, who said it was now Mr. McGuinty's turn to be leader and affirmed he was voting for him. Of course, Harris meant to say "Mussolini." Of course, I meant to say "Harris meant to say Eves."

The on-again, off-again California gubernatorial election is on again and early reports suggest incumbent governor Gray Davis may indeed face a total recall (I hope someone finds a predator to terminate these barbarian film references...).

Redefining "hitting the post," Atlanta Thrashers phenom Dany Heatley crashed his new Ferrari in Atlanta Monday night, leaving his passenger, teammate Dan Snyder, in a coma.

Speaking of blackouts, 57 million Italians - yes, that's the entire country - were left in the dark Sunday morning in the next installment of the Indian summer of blackouts that has struck North America, London and now Italy.

And finally this week, just in case you were wondering where $11 million of your tax dollars went (only $11 million?), Adrienne Clarkson might have the answer. That's right, Canada's diplomatic relations are again being improved by a figurehead's vacation. Go figure.



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