11 - VALENTINE'S DAY - 14.5/40
V-Day is chocolate aphrodisiac lovin'. Unfortunately for the men out there, your significant other likes the chocolate better than you. There's always the Showcase Revue.
Colour Scheme: *
Red, red and more red... and pink. The first is the colour of blood; the second is the colour of flamingos. Yikes.
Chocolate and cards oozing with vomit-inducing love messages courtesy of Hallmark - please blast a cap in my ass. If you play your cards right, however, you may get the gift of booty bouncin'.
Lots of swooning lovebirds will throw Celine Dion or Elton John into the changer - boo to them. But a holiday featuring Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing" and Burt Bacharach's "Endless Love" will strike the right mood and bring Little Johnny to life.
Time of year: 0
February. Snow. Freezing asses. No day off. Blah.
On the one hand, a five-minute trip to Shoppers Drug Mart is all the preparation required. On the other hand, a five-minute trip to Shoppers Drug Mart is all the preparation required.
It truly depends. If you worship your significant other, it could be a great 2.8 seconds. But if you despise them like Satan, it could get messy - hopefully the despisers have a balcony to jump off.
Drink Rating / Chances for Sex / Getting Arrested: **
Valentine's means wine, not beer. Fuck that shit. Getting sex should be a guarantee, but stranger things have happened. Getting arrested shouldn't be a problem, but if you don't get sex, picking up "Destiny" at Dundas and Richmond Sts. will land you in the slamma, where you will get sex with your new friend Bubba.