October 30, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 34  

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Western Conference Rankings

1. San Antonio Spurs
Hey, guess what? Tim Duncan is good. Tony Parker is fast. Kevin Willis could eat me. The Spurs are good at a lot of things and with newly acquired Rasho Nesterovic, Hedo Turkoglu, Ron Mercer and Robert Horry, the Spurs will be even better. Plus, we won't have to watch David Robinson make a mockery of himself.

2. Los Angeles Lakers
If Kobe could've just kept lil' Johnny in the cage, we wouldn't even be having a discussion about who would win the championship. The drama surrounding the trial of Bryant and the bitching and whining from the Lakers' four stars (Bryant, Shaquille O'Neal, Gary Payton and Karl Malone) will stunt this team.

3. Dallas Mavericks
The Mavs loaded their roster like your grandpa loads his "gun" with shots of Viagra. With the addition of Antawn Jamison and Antoine Walker to an already potent starting line-up of Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki and Michael Finley, the Mavs will win a lot of regular season games. However, the Mavs winning the title is like me losing a girth contest.

4. Sacramento Kings
The Kings are an extremely formidable bunch, but oftentimes they play more like Queens than Kings. Chris Webber has been wearing a skirt since his days at Michigan and Peja Stojakovic has been too busy shooting 69 threes a game to realize defense isn't something he only does when ball whores are chasing him.

5. Minnesota Timberwolves
Latrell Sprewell. Sam Cassell. Michael Olowokandi. Wally Szczerbiak. Oh, the misery. On the other hand, Kevin Garnett: heavenly, just heavenly.

6. Phoenix Suns
The Sun is rising, much like Amare Stoudemire's future contract. Stoudemire, Stephon Marbury and Shawn Marion are quite possibly the strongest threesome in the NBA today. Unfortunately, they could substitute my elementary basketball team for the rest of their line-up and not skip a beat.

7. Portland Trailblazers
Oodles of talent, but when you've hopped up on crack and weed every game, it doesn't mean much.

8. Houston Rockets
Note to Steve Francis and Cuttino Mobley: pass Yao the God damn ball!

And note to Jeff Van Gundy: take the pickle out of your ass and shove it up Hakeem Olajuwon?...

-Jordan Bell




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