October 30, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 34  

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SPORTS

Eastern Conference Rankings

1. New Jersey Nets
The horseshoe planted squarely up Rod Thorn's ass delivered when Jason Kidd re-signed with the Nets (instead of bailing for San Antonio) and Alonzo Mourning came on board. Mourning, however, is about as dependable as a Ford Pinto and Richard Jefferson has yet to reach his full potential. But playing in the East is much like losing your virginity: the build up is tremendous, but the finish is anti-climactic when you get shut down by the West.

2. New Orleans Hornets
If the Hornets can stay healthy, they could reach the NBA finals. But if Baron Davis and Jamal Mashburn hit the deck again, nothing's gonna save them... not even Jamaal Magloire. Yikes, I pity the foo.

3. Detroit Pistons
Lining up alongside Ben Wallace is much like going into a bar fight with Mike Tyson on one side, Lennox Lewis on the other side and Paul Davenport in behind on horseback. Unfortunately, Wallace and the rest of the Pistons couldn't hit the broadside of a barn, therefore, the Pistons' chances of gaining the title are about the same as the Florida Marlins winning the World Series... oh wait, the Marlins did win the World Series.

4. Toronto Raptors
... hahaha, just kidding!

4. Indiana Pacers
The Pacers are always the "smart pick," but any team relying on an Ethiopian three-point specialist (Reggie Miller), a guy who thinks he's a better defender than Ben Wallace (Ron Artest) and Scot Pollard, isn't going too far.

5. Philadelphia 76ers
Allen Iverson now has the "Big Dog," Glenn Robinson, playing on the wing with him. Unfortunately, Glenn's dog ain't big. Neither is Derrick Coleman's. Neither is Randy Ayers? Ah hell, just pass the ball to Iverson and get the hell outta the way!

6. Chicago Bulls
The youngsters on this team (Jamal Crawford, Tyson Chandler and Eddy Curry) were innocent, little fawns the past few years, but under the tutelage of Bill Cartwright, they have matured into... ummm, Bulls. They are no longer a pushover, but the "Running of the Bulls" will not happen for a few years yet.

7. Orlando Magic
Tracy McGrady is damn good. But even David Blaine couldn't help the rest of the Magic. Maybe Houdini could make them disappear.

8. Toronto Raptors
Would the real Toronto Raptors please stand up?

-Jordan Bell

 

 

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