October 31, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 35  

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The best and worst of Halloween entertainment


What started out as plastic grocery bags or those cute little pumpkin-shaped baskets has morphed into giant pillow cases for collecting goodies. Kids aren't satisfied with a mere handful of treats, they want MORE, MORE, MORE... which could very well be an influence of our super-size society. Anyway, there's still a key difference between good treats and those that just plain suck.


Homemade candy apples - who cares if you don't know the lady making them? All you need to know is this stuff tastes good.


Mystery bags - Those little plastic bags filled with an assortment of different treats. The fact it's a surprise makes it even better.


Goodies - The multi-coloured candies attempt to look tasty but really just contain the same sick, black licorice taste.


The really, really hard toffees wrapped in those festive witch and goblin covered wrappers.


If you want to truly frighten yourself with a scary movie this Halloween, try Gigli, starring the "Giant Ass Of Death" (and his fiancée, Jennifer Lopez).

If you're just looking for more general, supernatural thrills, here are six (not 666) of the spookiest movies of all time.

  • The Shining - This one stars the always creepy Jack Nicholson, Shelley "The Weirdest Looking Woman Ever" Duvall and the legendary Scatman Crothers. The Simpsons spoof has added a layer of self-parody, but it's still spooky after all these years.

  • The Ring - It doesn't make a lick of sense, but it's still a pretty scary movie. Also, Naomi Watts is drop dead gorgeous.

  • 28 Days Later - Zombies running amok in London, England. If it was London, Ontario, they'd be stuck in line at Jim Bob's.

  • Alien - One of the classic "it's quiet... TOO quiet" horror movies of all time. It has been re-released in theatres, possibly with added bonus scenes of the Alien bursting out of more of John Hurt's body parts. That's gotta Hurt! (rim shot)

  • The Changeling - The one Canadian entry on this list, this little-known 1980 movie features George C. Scott (star of Football in the Groin) in a haunted house. Despite the low budget, this might just be the flat-out scariest of them all.

  • Rosemary's Baby - Mia Farrow stars as a woman caught in a relationship even stranger than her marriage to Woody Allen. One of Roman Polanski's best movies from his pre-rapist period.


Best of:

  • Pimp - nothin' says Halloween like a child-corrupting entrepreneur decked out in a multi-coloured tux.

  • Schoolgirl or French maid - nothin' says every man's fantasy like a girl dressed up in short plaid skirts or fishnet stockings. Hopefully, the French maid brings along her duster... to ummm, dust... you... off.

  • Dice - because then you can use the great pick-up line, "Do you wanna roll the dice?"... and, subsequently, get slapped across the face.

Worst of:

  • Clown - nothin' says scary as mutha f&^%in' hell like clowns. "Do ya wanna balloon, Georgie?"

  • Lions and tigers and bears - Oh my!

  • Yourself - we're forced to see your sorry ass everyday. Give us a break for at least a day!


The Halloween dance party mix:

Apotheosis: "O Fortuna (Apocalypse Chorus Mix)" As if the original wasn't frantic enough, this 1989 rave-up of Carl Orff's choral classic brings shivers and sheer terror to the dance floor.

Michael Jackson: "Thriller" It doesn't matter how much he sucks now; back in the day, our childhood was forever haunted by the video for this track.

Rob Zombie: "Dragula" Good, clean, campy fun. This track from the king of horror rock scored when it was used in the dance club scene in The Matrix.

Eminem ft. Dido: "Stan" With a sample of ethereal Dido's vocals, this track about a crazed fan works as a creepy chill-out number.

The Rolling Stones: "Sympathy for the Devil" Pleased to meet you! Come do the occult dance around the big bonfire! Also try the wacky Neptunes remix.

Aaliyah: "We Need a Resolution" As the Queen of the Damned, Aaliyah also uses some devilish strings to decorate this elegant track.

Johnny Cash: "Hurt" Raise the dead with Johnny Cash's gravelly-voiced take on the Nine Inch Nails slow dance classic.

Hilary Duff: "So Yesterday" Eeek!

Bobby "Boris" Pickett: "Monster Mash" You can't have a Halloween party without this twist and shouter. Do the mash!


Halloween just isn't Halloween unless you spend the night engaging in some out-of-the-ordinary wackiness. While dressing up as a witch or devil and running from house to house collecting goodies is fun, there are tons of other ways to spend this evil night. Here are a couple of tips to help maximize your Halloween night fun:


  • Throw a Halloween party. Yes, much like Christmas, Valentine's Day, Victoria Day, Labor Day and Saturday, this holiday provides another excuse for university students to dress up in skanky costumes and get wasted.

  • Explore a haunted house. Even if it's just that creepy abandoned barn in the field across the street from you, haunted houses provide freaky good times.


  • Sit on your porch in the half-dark and jump up to scare kids who come a-knockin' on your door. Remember how you hated it when someone did that to you?

  • Stay at home and watch Halloween-themed porn on your computer. Come on, there's always an alternative to THAT.



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