October 31, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 35  

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The National Gross Product(s)

Shannon Proudfoot

Gazette Staff

There are some things in life that are disgusting and yet wonderful as is. They do not need to be changed, improved or bunged up further.

Take Kraft Dinner, or "yellow death," for example. It is one of those gastronomical decisions made in the heat of the post-bar moment, followed shortly by nausea and then regret. Yet time after time, like lab rats in the "special" control group who cannot learn not to touch the electrified button, we eat KD and forget the gut rot.

Then there's Easy Mac. Easy Mac is fired -from life. What do they think regular KD is: Extremely Complex Mac? Easy Mac is more disgusting than regular Mac -and that's like saying more annoying than Carrot Top.

Another gross-but-good product that shouldn't be tampered with is Chef Boyardee Ravioli. Chef Boyardee is a sick bastard if he thinks what comes out of that can has anything to do with real Italian food or real meat. But it's damn tasty and non-perishable -perfect for the discriminating bomb shelter.

Then they created super-sized raviolis that appeal to ravenous pre-teen boys only allowed to use the microwave. Here's something: the can is the same size. You're not getting more food, you're getting two huge raviolis that you must then cut into bite-sized pieces yourself. More labour, same amount of pasta. Bad idea.

Sometimes "new and improved" changes a product's signature appeal. Call me a traditionalist, but M&M's are supposed to come in six colours: red, orange, yellow, light brown, dark brown and the rare, precious green ones that taste better than all the others.

Now there are pink, blue, purple and super-psychedelic, hallucinogenic ones. So M&M's are now pretty much Smarties with m's and w's inexplicably stamped on them. Please change them back or you ("you" being whoever has power over such things) are fired along with the people responsible for orange-flavoured chocolate bars and purple Ketchup.

It must have been a seriously hung-over morning meeting that approved purple Ketchup. I can imagine the conversation went like this: "Purple Ketchup? Sure, whatever. Pass me that Tylenol. Why the hell do I have the editing intern's underwear in my jacket pocket?" You'd think hung-over advertising execs would be more sensitive about the barf-worthy products they foist upon the public. Please, no more sparkles, "X-treme" flavours or colours weirder than normal on the grocery store shelves. I like my gross-good favorites just the way they are.




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