October 31, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 35  

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NEWS

Deficit means McGuinty is a liar

By Anton Vidgen
Gazette Staff

Like a rolled up newspaper to the head, another wallop of the outside world is delivered fresh to your hands in this installment of News for Dummies.

Earlier this week, United States President George W. Bush said the recent increase in suicide bombings in Iraq is evidence the region's terrorist network is desperate and falling apart. Hmm, that or maybe they're actually getting more organized and have figured out the Americans' weaknesses.

Ontario's retired provincial auditor Erik Peters announced the government's deficit is $5.6 billion, more than the incoming Liberals ever imagined. Upon hearing the news, Premier Dalton McGuinty (ugh, that sounds weird) said he's reconsidering all this running-the-province shit and instead returning to his job as a used car salesman.

A diplomatic team from Sierra Leone travelling to their High Commission in London, England, had one of their diplomatic bags tumble out onto the airport tarmac, scattering videotapes packed with precious, precious heroin. London officials were not impressed and said they would make the team boil, inject and freak out on every last gram of the heroin until they learned their lesson.

A string of ministers in Prime Minister Jean Chretien's government have admitted to accepting free flights or overnight lodge stays from the powerful Irving family in New Brunswick. Admitting to an overnight stay was Human Resources Minister Jane Stewart, who reportedly lashed out at critics by saying she was only there for a wild sex orgy, er, nothing... never mind, what was the question?

Wildfires in California are wreaking havoc in the state, destroying old-growth forests and polluting the air with thick smoke. Currently, the fire is being brought under control as it moves away from the poorer neighbourhoods and the San Diego Padres.

Russia's richest man and oil billionaire Mikhail Khodorovsky spent two nights in jail for reported tax evasion and property theft, but political pundits say his vocal opposition to President Vladimir Putin was the real reason for his incarceration. Take that extreme capitalists: strong-armed governments can still ruin your day by introducing you to the hospitality of your new cell mate, Boris the Bumrocker.

 

 

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