October 7 , 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 22  

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An ode to crap-tastic television

Don't read this column
Ben Mills

Gazette Staff

Two things I hold dear to my heart are sports and television.

But in recent years one of my loves has downgraded itself to utter crap; that love is television. Here is a list (not a Top 10 list per se) of a few shows on TV with which I have a great deal of qualms.

Dr. Phil: Just the name of the show sounds stupid. This guy captivated America's hearts with his, albeit too frequent, stops on The Oprah Winfrey Show - not that I've watched Oprah or anything; my mom told me he was on the show a lot. Shut up.

Never has there been a show on television with more frequent improper use of the word "good" in place of "well"; to me it's worse than fingernails scratching a chalkboard. But I'll admit, 30 seconds of Phil ain't that bad. I enjoy watching him stumble over words, contradict himself several times over in the same sentence and stare blankly at the camera, but I would rather snort Drano than watch a full hour of this guy.

Everybody Loves Raymond: Well, I don't.

The Pet Psychic: Dr. Doolittle was a children's movie in which a fantastic character would walk with the animals, talk with the animals, something and something and something with the animals. The main character on Pet Psychic actually thinks she can do it too. This show is so bad that when I first saw the commercial advertising it, I made a blood oath I would never set eyes upon this program. I broke that oath by accidentally flipping to it once. Let's just say I would rather walk the streets of downtown Baghdad with an American flag tattooed on my forehead blaring "God Bless America" from my ghettoblaster than watch this show again.

Crossing Over: There is something about psychics on TV which doesn't sit well with me. Take off this quack and have Jo Jo and Miss Cleo fight to the death. Now that's entertaining.

Sex and the City: My penis prevents me from enjoying this show and it will probably get John Wayne Bobbitted with all the hate mail this will garner. I'm not insecure or sexist; I just think we have seen enough of Kim Cattrall's breasts on late night Showcase.

Sunday Night Football: It's not football I have issues with, it's Joe Theisman. I have heard enough of him bantering on about "look at this guy's concentration" and "when I was in the league... " If you play professional football you damn well better be concentrating, otherwise you shouldn't be out there. And Joe, I remember when you were in the league and Lawrence Taylor broke your leg like a chicken bone, or crack pipe - take your pick.

Saturday Night Live: What happened? Now that Will Ferrell is long gone, SNL has gone down the crapper. Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon doing Weekend Update is like having the Olson twins talk stock quotes on MSNBC - they clearly have no grasp of current events and their jokes are so Americanized it makes me want to puke. Tracy Morgan is the only comedian keeping this show marginally funny.



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