ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
An ode to crap-tastic television
Don't read this column
Two things I hold dear to my heart are sports and television.
But in recent years one of my loves has downgraded itself
to utter crap; that love is television. Here is a list (not
a Top 10 list per se) of a few shows on TV with which I have
a great deal of qualms.
Dr. Phil: Just the name of the show sounds stupid. This guy
captivated America's hearts with his, albeit too frequent,
stops on The Oprah Winfrey Show - not that I've watched Oprah
or anything; my mom told me he was on the show a lot. Shut
Never has there been a show on television with more frequent
improper use of the word "good" in place of "well"; to me it's
worse than fingernails scratching a chalkboard. But I'll admit,
30 seconds of Phil ain't that bad. I enjoy watching him stumble
over words, contradict himself several times over in the same
sentence and stare blankly at the camera, but I would rather
snort Drano than watch a full hour of this guy.
Everybody Loves Raymond: Well, I don't.
The Pet Psychic: Dr. Doolittle was a children's movie in which
a fantastic character would walk with the animals, talk with
the animals, something and something and something with the
animals. The main character on Pet Psychic actually thinks
she can do it too. This show is so bad that when I first saw
the commercial advertising it, I made a blood oath I would
never set eyes upon this program. I broke that oath by accidentally
flipping to it once. Let's just say I would rather walk the
streets of downtown Baghdad with an American flag tattooed
on my forehead blaring "God Bless America" from my ghettoblaster
than watch this show again.
Crossing Over: There is something about psychics on TV which
doesn't sit well with me. Take off this quack and have Jo Jo
and Miss Cleo fight to the death. Now that's entertaining.
Sex and the City: My penis prevents me from enjoying this
show and it will probably get John Wayne Bobbitted with all
the hate mail this will garner. I'm not insecure or sexist;
I just think we have seen enough of Kim Cattrall's breasts
on late night Showcase.
Sunday Night Football: It's not football I have issues with,
it's Joe Theisman. I have heard enough of him bantering on
about "look at this guy's concentration" and "when I was in
the league... " If you play professional football you damn
well better be concentrating, otherwise you shouldn't be out
there. And Joe, I remember when you were in the league and
Lawrence Taylor broke your leg like a chicken bone, or crack
pipe - take your pick.
Saturday Night Live: What happened? Now that Will Ferrell
is long gone, SNL has gone down the crapper. Tina Fey and Jimmy
Fallon doing Weekend Update is like having the Olson twins
talk stock quotes on MSNBC - they clearly have no grasp of
current events and their jokes are so Americanized it makes
me want to puke. Tracy Morgan is the only comedian keeping
this show marginally funny.