ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
On Thanksgiving & the turkey drop
So all you innocent frosh have finished your first month at
Western. Now you're headed home for a nice home-cooked Thanksgiving
dinner, as well as a chance to hook back up with your high
But wait! Your boy or girlfriend (or both, if they're a hermaphrodite)
reveals they've moved on, either meeting someone at their own
school or realizing a month away from the ol' ball and chain
was pretty sweet. And thus, many a poor frosh has spent Thanksgiving
dinner sullenly sitting at the end of the table, crying into
the cranberry sauce and stuffing their face with... um, stuffing.
Now you might wonder what this is doing in a TV column, but,
in fact, the "turkey drop" phenomenon was unofficially named
after an old episode of WKRP in Cincinnati. Mr. Carlson (the
late Gordon Jump) thought it would be a good publicity stunt
to drop live turkeys from a helicopter for Thanksgiving. Hilarity
ensues. To quote Carlson, "As God as my witness, I thought
turkeys could fly."
In order to stave off such heartbreak, I will dispense with
some TV-themed pointers on how to deal with a Turkey Drop.
Pre-emptive strike: You must retain
that all-important post-relationship "hand," to borrow
a Seinfeld term. It's much better to be a Turkey Dropper
than a Turkey Droppee.
Don't go home: Have Thanksgiving at Arby's. If their commercials
are to believed, then Arby's food is basically like getting
a tongue massage from God.
Suicide: Somewhat of an extreme
step, but as the M*A*S*H theme song said, "Suicide is Painless." Then
again, M*A*S*H also said Alan Alda was attractive to women,
so maybe it's not so reliable.
And then, if all else fails, steal an idea from Brad Pitt
on that Thanksgiving episode of Friends and start a club devoted
to hating the person that Turkey Dropped you. In today's political
climate, you might be charged with hate crimes, but as long
as the jury is made up of depressed frosh, you'll avoid jail
time. After all, if the glove shaped skin thing on top of a
turkey's head doesn't fit, you must acquit.