October 9 , 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 24   

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On Thanksgiving & the turkey drop

Mark Polishuk

Opinions Editor

So all you innocent frosh have finished your first month at Western. Now you're headed home for a nice home-cooked Thanksgiving dinner, as well as a chance to hook back up with your high school/summertime sweetheart.

But wait! Your boy or girlfriend (or both, if they're a hermaphrodite) reveals they've moved on, either meeting someone at their own school or realizing a month away from the ol' ball and chain was pretty sweet. And thus, many a poor frosh has spent Thanksgiving dinner sullenly sitting at the end of the table, crying into the cranberry sauce and stuffing their face with... um, stuffing.

Now you might wonder what this is doing in a TV column, but, in fact, the "turkey drop" phenomenon was unofficially named after an old episode of WKRP in Cincinnati. Mr. Carlson (the late Gordon Jump) thought it would be a good publicity stunt to drop live turkeys from a helicopter for Thanksgiving. Hilarity ensues. To quote Carlson, "As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."

In order to stave off such heartbreak, I will dispense with some TV-themed pointers on how to deal with a Turkey Drop.

  • Pre-emptive strike: You must retain that all-important post-relationship "hand," to borrow a Seinfeld term. It's much better to be a Turkey Dropper than a Turkey Droppee.

  • Don't go home: Have Thanksgiving at Arby's. If their commercials are to believed, then Arby's food is basically like getting a tongue massage from God.

  • Suicide: Somewhat of an extreme step, but as the M*A*S*H theme song said, "Suicide is Painless." Then again, M*A*S*H also said Alan Alda was attractive to women, so maybe it's not so reliable.

And then, if all else fails, steal an idea from Brad Pitt on that Thanksgiving episode of Friends and start a club devoted to hating the person that Turkey Dropped you. In today's political climate, you might be charged with hate crimes, but as long as the jury is made up of depressed frosh, you'll avoid jail time. After all, if the glove shaped skin thing on top of a turkey's head doesn't fit, you must acquit.



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