September 11, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 8  

Front Page >> Editorial & Opinions > The Gazette follows the USC's lead


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The Gazette follows the USC's lead

Just as the University Students' Council announced its main initiatives at its first regular council meeting last night, The Gazette decided to present its own initiatives to you, the student body.

The opening of Straightline: With the success of last year's Queerline initiative, the establishment of a help line to assist heterosexuals in "straightening out" their lives seemed only natural.

Establishment of the Task Force to Establish the Subcommittee to Select the Commissioner in charge of the Committee responsible for Committees which reports to the Task Force: This Task Force has been talked about for years. The TFESSCCC will finally be established this year, ensuring the continued health of our thriving bureaucracy.

A department of Men's Studies: This would, naturally, require a Canada Research Chair in pornography.

The Campus Hot Dog Lady Scholarship: To be awarded to a vegan student demonstrating financial need.

Rename Campus Community Police Service the "Campus Organization of Police Services": Upon being renamed, COPS would immediately seek to hire any officer whose name even remotely resembled "Longarm."

Set up a Task Force to find out why MIT exists: For the sake of efficiency, it would be established by the aforementioned Task Force to Establish the Subcommittee to Select the Commissioner in charge of the Committee responsible for Committees.

House more animals at Saugeen-Maitland Hall: This would force administration to return Saugeen to its proper name, "The Zoo." (Plans to import pandas are currently underway).

The Line Centralization/Efficiency Project: The Project would seek to institute a "master line up" for all of the line ups on campus.

Replace tuition with the barter system: Entrance to university would now be 400 beaver pelts. Or one "beaver."

Amendment to the Student Code of Conduct: Every time the word "objectionable" appears it's replaced with "debauchery." Replace every "liability" with "spanking."



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