September 11, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 8  

Front Page >> News > Once upon a time...


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Once upon a time...

Marshall Law
Marshall Bellamy

News Editor

Once upon a time in a faraway land there lived the happy people of Ontario existing under the rule of Dave Peterson, warlord of the Liberal clan.

One day Peterson began hearing rumours of a dreaded recession monster lurking around the Ontario countryside devouring jobs and threatening Peterson's hold on his realm.

Before he could attack the evil recession Peterson challenged all of his enemies to battle from his lair in Queen's Park and Bob Rae, general of the New Democratic crime family and general of the Union Leader Army, smote Dave Peterson and defeated his Legion of Liberals.

Bob Rae then prepared to do battle with the evil recession monster, which was gobbling up even more jobs, leaving its inflation droppings all over Ontario.

Rather then face the recession monster in open combat, Rae donned his shiny armor, rode out from his fortress at Queen's Park and began giving away gold and jewels from the Ontario treasury to the people, so they could create publicly run social programs to defeat the recession monster.

The recession monster was strong and lived from economic devastation it had wreaked upon the happy and now unemployed people of Ontario and Bob Rae's enemies rallied against him for the next election battle.

As the day of the battle approached, the Union Leader Army mutinied against Rae because he told them to give up some of the booty from their labour disputes.

Without an army Rae was defeated by the forces of the Tories under Prince Mike Harris who charged up his army with the power of Common Sense.

After the jobs were heartily eaten and the inflation droppings began to be cleaned, the recession monster left Ontario with the promise of an economically disastrous return and Rae was forced into a grisly exile of book writing and lecture tours.

For eight years Mike Harris' Common Sense ruled the land and gave money to everyone but homeless people and single mothers, until one day he retired and turned over power to his right-hand man, Ernie Eves.

Right after Eves took power, disease and disaster swept the blissful land of Ontario until Eves came forth from his castle at Queen's Park and called for an election battle. Now the province lies in peril.

The moral of the story? Politicians may seem like good guys, but in the end we're all fucked.



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