Outside the Western
We don't give the middle finger!
By Jordan Bell
Below is what happened in the world of professional
sports last week:
Detroit Tigers pitcher Mike Maroth became
the first pitcher since Brian Kingman in 1980 to lose 20 games
in an MLB season. The loss came in an 8-6 loss to the Blue Jays
on Friday night. Maroth was found howling at the moon and drinking
whiskey at Nathan Phillips Square later that night.
Former CFL commissioner Michael Lysko sued
the league for $18.9 million in damages. Unfortunately, Lysko
later found out the CFL is only worth $189.
Former Harlem Globetrotter Meadowlark Lemon
was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame. Lemon played
for the Globetrotters from 1957-79. Sorry but I can't make a
joke, because Lemon and his Sweet Georgia Brown rendition is
just too priceless to mock.
Blue Jays pitcher Roy Halladay continues
to kick ass. Although it was the Detroit Tigers, Halladay was
four outs away from a no-hitter in defeating the Tigers 1-0,
improving his record to 19-6. At least the Tigers are good for
Belgian Justine Henin-Hardenne defeated fellow
countrywoman Kim Clijsters 7-5, 6-1 to win the U.S. Open title.
Unfortunately, Henin-Hardenne continued to see an asterisk (or
in sports dummies terms, Serena Williams).
On the men's side, American Andy Roddick
destroyed Juan Carlos Ferrero 6-3, 7-6 (7-2), 6-3 to win the
U.S. Open. If you listen closely, you can still hear our neighbours
to the south bragging about their greatness.
That's just the Tway it is. Bob Tway shot
a closing round 66 to win the Canadian Open in a three-hole
playoff with Brad Faxon. Mike Weir finished five shots off the
pace. But really what's better, a Canadian Open title or the
green Masters jacket? Exactly.
Toronto Maple Leaf Doug Gilmour announced
his retirement this week. Gilmour, a fan favourite, will be
sorely missed. Note to GM John Ferguson Jr.: Strike one.
However, apparently Ferguson quickly learned
how to kiss Leafs fans ass in a short couple of days. On Thursday,
Ferguson Jr. signed New Jersey Devil Joe Nieuwendyk, a well-liked
and close associate with many Leafs.
And in useless news, Chicago White Sox pitcher
Jose Paniagua was released by the team after he gave the umpire
the middle finger as he left the field in a game against the
Minnesota Twins. He gave up four runs, three hits and a walk
in a third of an inning. It had to be the ump's fault.