September 19, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 13  

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NEWS

Jean Chrétien likes giving jobs

By Marshall Bellamy
Gazette Staff

With every week comes a whole new rigmarole of events that have captivated readers with headlines from around the world. News for Dummies has thusly returned with a refreshed hope of mesmerizing the world's unaware and oblivious readers (that means you!).

The world commemorated the second anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Centre. The Central Intelligence Agency remembered the sombre event by releasing a new Osama bin Laden tape with all of his favourite ditties.

The eye of Hurricane Isabel pulverized the coast of North Carolina with high winds and a little bit of rain as it plodded along its inland course. Word has it the Eye of Sauron is still fixated on Middle Earth desperately searching for the ring of power.

In the House of Commons, an opposition motion reaffirming the traditional definition of marriage was narrowly defeated by a margin of five votes and effectively embarrassed the Liberal government. There is no word yet whether the Canadian Alliance and the Progressive Conservatives will ever let anyone get married again.

The Middle East quieted down following Palestinian Prime Minister Abbas's resignation and Yasser Arafat's call for a peaceful resolution after the Israelis considered making Arafat an offer he couldn't refuse. Was it really all that difficult to stop Palestinians from bombing Israelis and Israelis from bombing Palestinians?

Ontario's provincial election campaign is now over two weeks old. The latest developments: Dalton McGuinty is still not qualified to be premier, Ernie Eves does not make a good premier and no one takes Howard Hampton seriously enough to be premier.

As his career draws to a fitful end, Prime Minister Jean Chretien has begun giving an increasing amount of patronage positions in the government, a move critics are saying just favours his friends. Maybe ChrŽtien just likes giving jobs.

The knife-wielding maniac who stabbed and killed Swedish Foreign Minister Anna Lindh in Stockholm last week was arrested earlier this week. It is believed the attack was motivated by the referendum held several days after the incident that saw Sweden reject the use of the Euro. Ah, the crazy things we do for money.

In a move that has surprised prognosticators around the world, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have cancelled their wedding. When Gigli finally comes out on video, you can say "remember when those two were together?"

 

 

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