September 19, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 13  

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SPORTS

Letters from the Edge:
Clemens: You've got mail

On the DL
David Lee
Sports Editor

Dear Roger Clemens,

If you ever watched the cartoon "South Park," you might be familiar with a phrase the portly Cartman often said to the poverty-struck Kenny: "God, I hate you Kenny."

God, I hate you Roger Clemens.

I'm not just trying to copy the sentiments of sports writer Bill Simmons either. I legitimately hate you, Roger Clemens. You're snide, cocky and evil all rolled into one. The fact you play for the hated Yankees only makes me hate you more. The fact your boss is George Steinbrenner makes it seem like Satan himself wanted you to play for the Bronx Bombers; the match seems too perfect.

The list of reasons for my loathing is long. The first that comes to mind was your bewildering performance in the 2000 World Series, where you threw half of a broken bat at the Mets' Mike Piazza. Piazza rightfully stopped running to first base and yelled at you. Somehow, you got away with that. You claimed you thought the bat shard was a baseball. Even if it was, what in the hell were you doing throwing it at Piazza? Hadn't you already hit him in the head that season? Do you think he meant to break his bat and have it roll weakly towards you?

Let's not forget your massive ego. Who in their right mind gives all of their children names that start with the letter K? You never saw Nolan Ryan or Steve Carlton doing that. What makes you so special, Roger? Are you really that great? I don't think so. A real champion is measured by his class, not just his statistics. You sir, are classless.

My fantasy baseball team wasn't doing so well this year in the pitching department, so I had to make a trade mid-season to add you to my team. The move sickened me then and it sickens me now. You've sucked balls ever since I got you - your ERA has been nearly five and you've only won seven times for me. I guess it serves me right to pick up your 41-year old ass. I've fallen from first to fourth.

I may have even heard something about you getting your 300th win and your 4,000th strikeout this year - both in the same game. Big deal. You'll probably go first-ballot into the Hall of Fame, but you shouldn't. I'm not the only one that hates you. Lots of people do. Try Boston, for starters. The Beantown fans didn't mind so much when you came and played for Toronto - the Blue Jays were never really a legitimate threat in the late '90s. You even won two CY Young Awards with the Jays. But to play for the Yankees?

Have some sense. There's no bigger rivalry in baseball than the Yankees/Red Sox. Have you made it your mission for the fans to hate you?

That's just it, Roger. You may have the admiration of other players for what you can do with a baseball, especially at your elevated age. The Yankees fans are glad you're on their team and like what you've done for them in the playoffs. But nobody likes you. You've constantly shown your true colours. You play for yourself. You play for your stats. You don't deserve the fans' admiration and you'll never have my respect.

 

 

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