Letters from the Edge:
Clemens: You've got mail
On the DL
Dear Roger Clemens,
If you ever watched the cartoon "South Park," you might be
familiar with a phrase the portly Cartman often said to the
poverty-struck Kenny: "God, I hate you Kenny."
God, I hate you Roger Clemens.
I'm not just trying to copy the sentiments of sports writer
Bill Simmons either. I legitimately hate you, Roger Clemens.
You're snide, cocky and evil all rolled into one. The fact you
play for the hated Yankees only makes me hate you more. The
fact your boss is George Steinbrenner makes it seem like Satan
himself wanted you to play for the Bronx Bombers; the match
seems too perfect.
The list of reasons for my loathing is long. The first that
comes to mind was your bewildering performance in the 2000 World
Series, where you threw half of a broken bat at the Mets' Mike
Piazza. Piazza rightfully stopped running to first base and
yelled at you. Somehow, you got away with that. You claimed
you thought the bat shard was a baseball. Even if it was, what
in the hell were you doing throwing it at Piazza? Hadn't you
already hit him in the head that season? Do you think he meant
to break his bat and have it roll weakly towards you?
Let's not forget your massive ego. Who in their right mind
gives all of their children names that start with the letter
K? You never saw Nolan Ryan or Steve Carlton doing that. What
makes you so special, Roger? Are you really that great? I don't
think so. A real champion is measured by his class, not just
his statistics. You sir, are classless.
My fantasy baseball team wasn't doing so well this year in
the pitching department, so I had to make a trade mid-season
to add you to my team. The move sickened me then and it sickens
me now. You've sucked balls ever since I got you - your ERA
has been nearly five and you've only won seven times for me.
I guess it serves me right to pick up your 41-year old ass.
I've fallen from first to fourth.
I may have even heard something about you getting your 300th
win and your 4,000th strikeout this year - both in the same
game. Big deal. You'll probably go first-ballot into the Hall
of Fame, but you shouldn't. I'm not the only one that hates
you. Lots of people do. Try Boston, for starters. The Beantown
fans didn't mind so much when you came and played for Toronto
- the Blue Jays were never really a legitimate threat in the
late '90s. You even won two CY Young Awards with the Jays. But
to play for the Yankees?
Have some sense. There's no bigger rivalry in baseball than
the Yankees/Red Sox. Have you made it your mission for the fans
to hate you?
That's just it, Roger. You may have the admiration of other
players for what you can do with a baseball, especially at your
elevated age. The Yankees fans are glad you're on their team
and like what you've done for them in the playoffs. But nobody
likes you. You've constantly shown your true colours. You play
for yourself. You play for your stats. You don't deserve the
fans' admiration and you'll never have my respect.