September 24, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 15  

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Gazette goes Private Eye

In light of the Alcohol and Gaming Commission of Ontario's inspection that caught underage drinkers in The Wave, The Gazette thought it would be a good idea to publish a list of the other government inspections which might cause trouble on campus.

The Gazette office:
With no natural light or any semblance of fresh air, one wonders why this inspection has yet to take place. Officials might also search for the rumoured monkeys, who are said to work tirelessly at old fashioned typewriters all through the night to help put out the paper.

Food Services price gouging:
There has to be some government agency in existence to protect student consumers. $2.39 for a bottle of Dasani please!

Western's incinerators:
Ever wonder exactly what the hell is coming out of those smoke stackse Students would be shocked to learn administration burns their tuition money to heat the campus buildings.

Check janitors' green cards:
Except for the staff that clean The Gazette office, they're cool.

The new Concrete Beach:
We hear there's a chance the University Students' Council used paper mache to prevent cost overrun.

USC efficiency inspection:
We're sure the government could help cut the length of council meetings in half. By chance they may even discover the plethora of acronyms used by USC student politicians actually don't stand for anything.

Sex with Sue:
We should send Sue to inspect the fifth floor of Weldon library, because there's stuff going on up there that would make even her blush.

Saugeen mattresses:
There's reason to believe some of those beds are very, very dirty. Especially in Rm. 40 on 4-middle.

Ivey School of Business:
In search of a single human soul...

Women's Issues Network:
In search of a single pair of shaved armpits...

An investigation to find their single viewer (of course, he might just be a myth, like the second JFK shooter).



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