September 26, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 17  

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NEWS

Bennifer lives, MacKay and Harper woo and cow eats grass

By Anton Vidgen
Gazette Staff

Escaping the infamous Western bubble that keeps students safely insulated from the outside world is nearly impossible, but by reading this you are one step closer to being one step farther from total ignorance.

Ontario Progressive Conservative Party leader and Premier Ernie Eves got slammed this week by a right-wing think tank which charged the PC government with saddling the province with a $4.5 billion deficit. Eves maintains his last budget was balanced and that no, his scalp does not secrete natural lizard oil.

Ontario got an earful this week from provincial party leaders during a closely-watched debate. No clear winner emerged but voters were reminded their political dishes ranged from slimy (Eves) to squishy (Liberal Party leader Dalton McGuinty) to holy-damn-this-bill-is-huge (New Democratic Party leader Howard Hampton). Supposedly the question comes down to what will make your stomach - or your wallet - hurt less.

Prime-minister-in-waiting Paul Martin became Prime-minister-for-sure-in-waiting, by winning 90 per cent of the delegates to the Liberals Party's November leadership convention. Runner-up Sheila Copps said she's determined to stay in the race even if it takes losing badly to do so.

Unite-the-right talks arose yet again, with Canadian Alliance leader Stephen Harper and federal PC leader Peter MacKay genuinely determined to get it on before the next federal election. Conservative traditions such as lowering taxes, eliminating the deficit and crushing the homeless will still remain part of the party platform.

The president of the United States delivered a speech to the United Nations, saying he would not yield to international pressure to speed up the transfer of power to Iraqis. When asked if he could speed up the transfer of wealth from the poor to the rich, President George W. Bush said he would do that in a jiffy.

As part of his retirement from life as Canada's longest-serving mayor, Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman gave a farewell speech to city council, sharing his proudest moments; like the time he fooled around with a married woman; saying he was afraid of being boiled and eaten alive by Africans and shaking hands with a member of the Hells Angels biker gang.

Follow-up to last week's News for Dummies: Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are rumoured to be back together again. In other news, a cow ate some grass.

 

 

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