EDITORIAL & OPINIONS
Forget Arnold: vote
What the Shuk?
By: Mark Polishuk
Some might say the upcoming California gubernatorial
recall vote has become a farce, with candidates ranging from
Hollywood action heroes to porn stars to (worst of all) actual
Frankly, I don't think it's become quite enough
of a farce for my liking. With that in mind, I'd like to officially
announce my candidacy for governor of California.
I think I have a pretty good chance, given
the silliness of the recall process. Fourty nine per cent of
Californians could vote that incumbent governor Gray Davis shouldn't
be recalled and yet he'd still lose to whomever gains a simple
majority amongst the challenging candidates. With these rules,
I'd be crazy NOT to run.
There may be some kind of a rule prohibiting
a Canadian who doesn't live in and has never been to the state,
from running for governor, but those are the kind of arcane
laws I'll look to abolish once elected. I feel people living
outside of a state - or a country - can bring some unbiased
perspective. After all, George Bush is trying to run Iraq from
his ranch in Texas and he's... um... OK, bad example.
Compared to the other candidates, I measure
up pretty well. Gray Davis might've been elected by the people
of California, but can you really trust a man named after a
colour? Would you elect someone named Beige Jackson?
The most high-profile candidates are celebrities
such as Arnold "It's Not a Tumour" Schwarzenegger,
Gary "Whatchoo Talkin' About, Willis?" Coleman and
Larry "Woody Harrelson" Flynt. I can't quite yet match
any of these guys in terms of fame, but at least I match them
in terms of a memorable campaign image.
After consulting several image consultants
who told me what letter my last name began with, my official
campaign logo will be the P-Wing, which you might recall as
the warp zone enabler in Super Mario III. My campaign slogan
will be "Vote for the P-Wing: He can take California to
the next level."
As opposed to the likes of Coleman or Flynt,
I actually have some political experience. I was Grade 12 representative
on my high school students' council and as you can imagine,
such a distinguished position carried huge responsibilities.
For example, I often sold Spritz-Up and PC Cola at dances. Top
So, for any Californians who might be reading
this, cast a vote for the ol' P-Wing. If you were running, he'd
vote for you.