September 9, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 6  

Front Page >> Editorial & Opinions > Whatchoo talkin' bout Ernie?


> News
> Editorial & Opinions
> Arts & Entertainment
> Campus Life
> Sports


> Archives
> Search Archive:
> Browse By Date:

More Stuff

> Photo Gallery
> Comics
> Contests
> Links

Talk to Us

> About Us
> Submit Letter
> Volunteers
> Advertising
> Gazette Alumni Society


Whatchoo talkin' bout Ernie?

Bell Tolls
By: Jordan Bell

Managing Editor

On Tues., Sep. 2, Ontario Conservative Premier Ernie Eves called a provincial election for Oct. 2. Henceforth, the mud-slinging began:

  • Dalton McGuinty declared the Tory government, "unworthy" of office and Eves a "used car salesman."
  • New Democratic Party leader Howard Hampton held up a hunk of Swiss cheese at a campaign stop in Sudbury, comparing it to the Conservative and Liberal hydro policies.
  • Eves claimed the Liberals will lead Ontario into recession.

While the three candidates verbally bitch-slap each other, what's a voter to do? Here's a new slate of candidates that will make checking the box a cleansing experience:

Gary Coleman
After Coleman loses in the California gubernatorial recall vote, he heads north to take aim at Canada. How could you vote against this cute little bastard? Coleman also has a sweet catch phrase,
"Whatchoo talkin'â about, (fill in the blank)."

Britney Spears and Madonna
As long as they don't sing and keep sucking face, these two washed up singers would provide the ultimate social service to the populace, keeping the Canadian male population strong and virile.

Pedro the Gnome and the Naked Masturbator
Word on the street is that The Gazette's former mascot, Pedro, and the Naked Masturbator, who gained renown when he performed a "show and spray" tour of campus two years ago, are plotting their takeover of Ontario.

Pedro is well versed in politics, holding the positions of VP-garden finance in the World Gnome Coalition of the Willing. While the Naked Masturbator doesn't have any previous political experience, he does have a lot of balls and yields a pretty dangerous weapon.

Indiana Jones
If anyone can solve the problems in the Middle East, fix the blackout in less than an hour and provide endless nights of cinematic entertainment, it's Indy.

Dr. Atkinson (of Superpsych fame)
We'd have the coolest leader in the free world. Atkinson could woo the ladies with his flowing locks, hip sunglasses and debonaire charm, while male leaders across Canada and the world would jump at the chance to be his 'wing man.'



Editorial & Opinions Links

© 2003 The Gazette  
BluThng Productions