EDITORIAL & OPINIONS
Whatchoo talkin' bout
By: Jordan Bell
On Tues., Sep. 2, Ontario Conservative Premier
Ernie Eves called a provincial election for Oct. 2. Henceforth,
the mud-slinging began:
While the three candidates verbally bitch-slap
each other, what's a voter to do? Here's a new slate of candidates
that will make checking the box a cleansing experience:
After Coleman loses in the California gubernatorial recall vote,
he heads north to take aim at Canada. How could you vote against
this cute little bastard? Coleman also has a sweet catch phrase,
"Whatchoo talkin'â about, (fill in the blank)."
Britney Spears and Madonna
As long as they don't sing and keep sucking face, these two
washed up singers would provide the ultimate social service
to the populace, keeping the Canadian male population strong
Pedro the Gnome and the Naked Masturbator
Word on the street is that The Gazette's former mascot, Pedro,
and the Naked Masturbator, who gained renown when he performed
a "show and spray" tour of campus two years ago, are
plotting their takeover of Ontario.
Pedro is well versed in politics, holding
the positions of VP-garden finance in the World Gnome Coalition
of the Willing. While the Naked Masturbator doesn't have any
previous political experience, he does have a lot of balls and
yields a pretty dangerous weapon.
If anyone can solve the problems in the Middle East, fix the
blackout in less than an hour and provide endless nights of
cinematic entertainment, it's Indy.
Dr. Atkinson (of Superpsych fame)
We'd have the coolest leader in the free world. Atkinson could
woo the ladies with his flowing locks, hip sunglasses and debonaire
charm, while male leaders across Canada and the world would
jump at the chance to be his 'wing man.'