April 1, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 96  

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Never gonna give it up: a celibacy mix tape

Jack and Jill, sittin’ in a tree: P-R-A-Y-I-N-G. First comes talking, then comes more talking, then comes even more talking.

But wait: what are Jack and Jill listening to while they don’t get it on? Here are 10 songs to help you kill the mood and keep your mind off the “hippity-dippity.”

Janet Jackson: “Let’s Wait Awhile”
Vibe: Sweet, earnest innocence — no signs you’ve ever even seen another person’s nether regions.
Lyrics: “Let’s wait awhile/Before it’s too late/Let’s wait awhile/Before we go too far.”

Frankie Goes to Hollywood: “Relax”
Vibe: Straight people going to the gay disco so the odds of accidentally banging someone are less (theoretically).
Lyrics: “Relax, don’t do it/When you want to go to it/Relax, don’t do it/When you want to come.”

En Vogue: “My Lovin’ (You’re Never Gonna Get It)”
Vibe: Feeling sexy, struttin’ yo’ stuff, then shuttin’ yo’ lovin’ down!
Lyrics: “Maybe next time you’ll give your woman a little respect/So you won’t be hearing her say, ‘No way.’”

Richard Marx: “Right Here Waiting”
Vibe: Prom night, 1989 — standing at the punchbowl, waiting... for a long long time.
Lyrics: “Wherever you go/Whatever you do/I will be right here waiting for you.”

Diana Ross and the Supremes: “You Can’t Hurry Love”
Vibe: Joyous all-girl slumber party with avocado facials and a Mandy Moore movie.
Lyrics: “You can’t hurry love/No, you just have to wait/You got to trust, give it time/No matter how long it takes.”

M.C. Hammer: “U Can’t Touch This”
Vibe: You want to nail him, but he won’t let you touch his hammer — anyway, it would’ve been difficult with those giant Aladdin pants.
Lyrics: “Let ‘em know that you’re too much/And this is a beat, uh, you can’t touch/Yo, I told you — you can’t touch this.”

Whitney Houston: “Saving All My Love For You”
Vibe: I go to karaoke to sing ’80s love ballads to keep my mind off sex.
Lyrics: “My friends try to tell me to find a man of my own/But each time I try, I just break down and cry/’Cause I’d rather be home feelin’ blue/So I’m saving all my love for you.”

Wilson Philips: “Hold On”
Vibe: On the brink of chast-insanity, inspiration from the three muses to help you keep your pants on.
Lyrics: “Don’t you know things can change/Things’ll go your way/If you hold on for one more day/Can you hold on for one more day?”

Stevie Wonder: “I Just Called to Say I Love You”
Vibe: And that’s all.
Lyrics: “No New Year’s Day to celebrate/No chocolate-covered candy hearts to give away/No first of spring, no song to sing/In fact here’s just another ordinary day.”

Michael Jackson: “Leave Me Alone”
Vibe: Don’t fuckin’ touch me!
Lyrics: “So just leave me alone/Leave me alone/Leave me alone/Leave me alone...”



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