ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
Static and Fox news = quality
Gazelle file photo
DID NOT, REPEAT, DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT SLOOT." Bill
Clinton is clearly a satanic freak, considering he cheated on his un-MILFy
wife. But that Bush - now THERE'S a quality president.
Here are a few channels you should definitely start watching.
Boy, talk about a great network! It’s rare you see any station that has
great programming 24 hours a day, but Channel 1 is just static, static and
more static! Some people might say static is boring, but hey, if it ain’t
broke, don’t fix it. This should be called the “We’re #1” Channel!
FOX NEWS CHANNEL
Fair and balanced indeed! They really opened my eyes to how liberals (or should
I say, traitors who hate America) like Senators John Kerry, John Edwards
and the Clintons especially were trying to ruin the United States. For example,
did you know Bill Clinton cheated on his wife??? I mean geez, that kind of
behaviour can’t happen from a president! The president needs to set
a good, moral Christian example for all Americans, like attacking all those
evil Muslim countries like Iraq (which along with Osama Bin Laden, gay people
and I think Bill Clinton, was 100 per cent responsible for Sept. 11).
SHOWING THE FRONT DOOR OF YOUR
Talk about reality TV! On today’s episode, a pizza guy doesn’t
know the buzzcode of the apartment he’s delivering to and needs old Mrs.
Jenkins to let him in. Little does Mrs. Jenkins know the pizza guy is a plant
and by letting a stranger into the building, Mrs. Jenkins is getting voted
out of her condo!
It’s all static just like Channel 1, but with some weird grunting noises
on the soundtrack. I’m guessing it’s a nature channel of some kind,
though I’m not sure why the one animal is telling the other, “Give
it to me harder, harder, harder, OHHHHHH YESSSSS!”
THE PARLIAMENTARY SCHEDULE CHANNEL
As patriotic Canadians, it’s our duty to know what’s going on in
Parliament. Ergo, there’s no better network than that one channel with
an ongoing schedule of parliamentary events all day long, with that faded picture
of the Parliament buildings in the background. It’s even available in
French, so our “fellow Canadians” in Quebec can read along too
while eating their baguettes and spilling crumbs on their Guy Lafleur jerseys.