April 1, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 96  

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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Static and Fox news = quality

Schmuck Vision
Park Molischmuck

Opinions Editor

Gazelle file photo
"I DID NOT, REPEAT, DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT SLOOT." Bill Clinton is clearly a satanic freak, considering he cheated on his un-MILFy wife. But that Bush - now THERE'S a quality president.

Here are a few channels you should definitely start watching.

CHANNEL 1
Boy, talk about a great network! It’s rare you see any station that has great programming 24 hours a day, but Channel 1 is just static, static and more static! Some people might say static is boring, but hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. This should be called the “We’re #1” Channel! LOL!!!!!!!1111111

FOX NEWS CHANNEL
Fair and balanced indeed! They really opened my eyes to how liberals (or should I say, traitors who hate America) like Senators John Kerry, John Edwards and the Clintons especially were trying to ruin the United States. For example, did you know Bill Clinton cheated on his wife??? I mean geez, that kind of behaviour can’t happen from a president! The president needs to set a good, moral Christian example for all Americans, like attacking all those evil Muslim countries like Iraq (which along with Osama Bin Laden, gay people and I think Bill Clinton, was 100 per cent responsible for Sept. 11).

THE CHANNEL
SHOWING THE FRONT DOOR OF YOUR
APARTMENT BUILDING
Talk about reality TV! On today’s episode, a pizza guy doesn’t know the buzzcode of the apartment he’s delivering to and needs old Mrs. Jenkins to let him in. Little does Mrs. Jenkins know the pizza guy is a plant and by letting a stranger into the building, Mrs. Jenkins is getting voted out of her condo!

CHANNEL 86
It’s all static just like Channel 1, but with some weird grunting noises on the soundtrack. I’m guessing it’s a nature channel of some kind, though I’m not sure why the one animal is telling the other, “Give it to me harder, harder, harder, OHHHHHH YESSSSS!”

THE PARLIAMENTARY SCHEDULE CHANNEL
As patriotic Canadians, it’s our duty to know what’s going on in Parliament. Ergo, there’s no better network than that one channel with an ongoing schedule of parliamentary events all day long, with that faded picture of the Parliament buildings in the background. It’s even available in French, so our “fellow Canadians” in Quebec can read along too while eating their baguettes and spilling crumbs on their Guy Lafleur jerseys.

 

 

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