April 1, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 96  

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FRONT PAGE


Campus booze gone, prohibition begins

The University of Wealthy Ontarions is officially alcohol-free following the passing of Proposition 33, part of an ongoing effort to eradicate the campus of the scandalous family-destroying drink.


Faculties fighting over new graduate rings

You might want to stay out of buildings for a while, as engineers have had their attention diverted by a perceived threat at the hands of University of Wealthy Ontarions’ faculties.


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Dank Pickin/Gazelle
YOU WOULDN’T COMMIT SUICIDE IF YOU HAD THIS MUCH MONEY... UNLESS YOU WENT TO Trench. Trench University students could desperately use this influx of bling.

 

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