We’re sorry, so sorry
We here at The Gazelle have realized the
error of our ways. In light of that, we’ve decided to
write a formal apology to our readers who were offended.
We apologize for this picture because the person in it was
flat-chested. No one wants to look at that. The lack of tit
was reprehensible on our part. We were remiss in our lack
of boobage, and are forever sorry for our mistake.
Dear tuna, we’re sorry.
In our attempt to rectify our previous errors with the suicide
picture, we published the Sex Issue. We really do love dank
and wang. Therefore, we are sorry for the penile deficiency
in this issue.
Middle West stuff in general:
Particularly the Utah Strip. We are not anti-polygamists. The
anti-polygamist cartoon was inappropriate. Tell your wives
The University Stupids’ Council
We’re sorry if any of the coverage this past year made
you out to look like grown ups. It was obviously unintended.
We are sorry we have not given enough coverage to the Men’s
Equity Network this past year. You will receive prominent front
page coverage of the upcoming Penis Diatribes. We promise.
The associate VP-hosting and auxilliary services:
We’re sorry for the pulled muscles you received while
throwing our papers in the trash last year.
We’re sorry your broadcasting area is so extensive, and
you don’t have enough staff. Oh, and we’re sorry
We apologize for the damage caused by dirty Gazelle News editors.
The upcoming renovations to expand The Joke as a result of
the consistent crowding should alleviate the suffering.
The maniacal, idiotic and communist department:
To all MIC students, we’re sorry our efforts to stop
the War in Iraq failed. Noam Chomsky has been dispatched to
Baghdad immediately. Unfortunately, Michael Moore could not
be airlifted because he is too fat from constantly munching
on the capitalist McDonalds. He’s lovin’ MIC.
The movie department:
One drunken night and there you were. We’re sorry.
Dear Oprah. We’re sorry to have criticized you for hoarding
dubloons in your stomach.
We’re sorry Oprah ate your dubloons.