April 1, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 96  

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We’re sorry, so sorry

We here at The Gazelle have realized the error of our ways. In light of that, we’ve decided to write a formal apology to our readers who were offended.

Suicide picture:
We apologize for this picture because the person in it was flat-chested. No one wants to look at that. The lack of tit was reprehensible on our part. We were remiss in our lack of boobage, and are forever sorry for our mistake.

Vagina editorial:
Dear tuna, we’re sorry.

Sex Issue:
In our attempt to rectify our previous errors with the suicide picture, we published the Sex Issue. We really do love dank and wang. Therefore, we are sorry for the penile deficiency in this issue.

Middle West stuff in general:
Particularly the Utah Strip. We are not anti-polygamists. The anti-polygamist cartoon was inappropriate. Tell your wives we’re sorry.

The University Stupids’ Council
We’re sorry if any of the coverage this past year made you out to look like grown ups. It was obviously unintended.

We are sorry we have not given enough coverage to the Men’s Equity Network this past year. You will receive prominent front page coverage of the upcoming Penis Diatribes. We promise.

The associate VP-hosting and auxilliary services:
We’re sorry for the pulled muscles you received while throwing our papers in the trash last year.

TV Wealthy:
We’re sorry your broadcasting area is so extensive, and you don’t have enough staff. Oh, and we’re sorry you exist.

The Joke:
We apologize for the damage caused by dirty Gazelle News editors. The upcoming renovations to expand The Joke as a result of the consistent crowding should alleviate the suffering.

The maniacal, idiotic and communist department:
To all MIC students, we’re sorry our efforts to stop the War in Iraq failed. Noam Chomsky has been dispatched to Baghdad immediately. Unfortunately, Michael Moore could not be airlifted because he is too fat from constantly munching on the capitalist McDonalds. He’s lovin’ MIC.

The movie department:
One drunken night and there you were. We’re sorry.

Dear Oprah. We’re sorry to have criticized you for hoarding dubloons in your stomach.

We’re sorry Oprah ate your dubloons.



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