April 1, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 96  

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Jesus is ugly

Re: “How to make our campus less of a cesspool,” Nov. 31, 2003

To the Editor:
If we really wanted to beautify campus, we should start at King Henry’s University College. That statue of Jesus on the outside of the college is enough to make anyone go EWWWWWW! I mean, it’s so thin and gross, and not even Calista Flockhart-style thin and gross — I mean REALLY thin and gross!

I know it’s cool to like Jesus now, so I say we make the statue look like the guy that played Jesus in The Passion of the Jeebus — Jim Caviezel. He was so hot in The Count of Monte Cristo! He didn’t look that great in The Passion when he was being whipped and stuff, but in that scene at the Last Supper? WOW! He looked yummy! I’m so glad my tyrannical father made me go see that movie!

Lindsey McUggboot
Molecular Biochemical Metaphysics I

Student is upset about his roommate and high tuition fees

To the Editor:
I’m upset about my high tuition fees.
P.S. My roommate is a horse’s ass.

U.N. Owen
Health Suffering III

My purse!!!

To the Editor:
To anyone who was at Jim Bob Ray Don Chong Al Billy’s last Saturday night: if you found a black purse on the bathroom floor, it probably belongs to me. The purse contains a cellphone, lipstick, morning-after pills, two pairs of crotchless panties, a wad of cash, a “real” I.D., a can of mace, a mace (i.e., an iron spiked ball on a chain) and a pair of contact lenses. I expect everything back, so if I’m short even one morning-after pill, there’s gonna be trouble!

Chrissy Chrissyson
Library Services IV

The hell?

Re: “Men’s basketball team actually wins a game!” Feb. 30, 2004

To the Editor:
I enjoyed your basketball coverage, but there was a factual inaccuracy. When you said “hell froze over,” the temperature in Hell that day was a balmy 1,000F, as always.

S. Atan
Political Science VIVIVI


Re: “I’m pissed off!” Jan. 32, 2004

To the Editor:
Hey, I just wanted to say that the guy who wrote the letter about the thing is a complete friggin’ idiot! Where does he get off, talking about things like that in such a specific way? Fuck him and the horse he rode in on!

Terry Reactionary
Maniacal, idiotic and communist III


Re: “Rebuttal,” Apr. 1, 2004

To the Editor:
I figure someone will write in complaining about that letter I wrote, and it’ll probably be some reactionary maniacal, idiotic and communist student. To this student, whose name is probably something sexually ambiguous like “Terry,” I say screw you! Your reaction is just so typical. You fail to see the big picture because your head is too busy being stuck up your ass. I explained everything with utter perfection in my original letter, so how could you possibly argue it? In short, Mr. Probably-An-MIC-Student-Named-Terry, you are dumb as a box of nails!

Terry Provoker
Social Stupor II


Re: “Re-rebuttal,” Apr. 1, 2004

To the Editor:
I’m sure that provocative idiot probably has his retarded dumb stupid comments all planned, so to him I say my dad could beat up your dad! Nyah nyah nyah!

Terry Reactionary
Maniacal, idiotic and communist III

Hey idiots

Re: “Zip, Zap, Zop and Zoup hit the road,” Judgment Day 54 B.C.

To the Editor:
The Gazelle has disrespected the Middle East in yet another article. Your story about the French alien rock band touring the United States featured lots of in-depth coverage of their concerts in Maine, Vermont, Georgia and Florida but NOTHING AT ALL about their upcoming shows in the Middle Eastern states.

The people of Maryland and Delaware have unique, distinct cultures that deserve far better than to be ignored by your rag of a newspaper. What was up with that quote, “We’ll be taking a detour in Delaware before we hit the Big Apple.” A detour??? Screw you and your one eye, Zap!

I expect a full retraction of your story, so you’d better go back in time and stop your past selves from sending it off to the printer.

N.T. Sam Etic
Ballet Studies VIII



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