April 1, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 96  

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Campus booze gone, prohibition begins

The University of Wealthy Ontarions is officially alcohol-free following the passing of Proposition 33, part of an ongoing effort to eradicate the campus of the scandalous family-destroying drink.

Faculties fighting over new graduate rings

You might want to stay out of buildings for a while, as engineers have had their attention diverted by a perceived threat at the hands of University of Wealthy Ontarions’ faculties.

Jesus back, two virgins give birth

The Second Coming has finally arrived. Jesus Christ, the Man, the Sensation, the Son of God is back on Earth and ready to heal, preach and hopefully turn some water into wine on the lovely campus of the University of Wealthy Ontarions.

Earth, pens, cure for hunger all discovered

Between essay-induced stress attacks and trying to cram in those last nights of carefree debauchery before finals, its no surprise that keeping up with those pesky current events can be tricky. But fear not! “News for Wealthy Retards” is here with a little alternative education.

London introduces sexy new revenue source

London city council recently announced it will be providing residents with a tax decrease for the first time in recorded history.

Big purple mat causes ruckus, swallows guy

In a bizarre incident yesterday, the widely despised “Big Purple Welcome Mat,” credited with shattering the aesthetic appeal of the newly constructed Concrete Slab, devoured second-year engineering student Winny Moulandeep.

Dear girls, love boys

Dear Girls,

What ever happened to blow jobs? You know, when you went down on us and provided an incredible, incomparable sensation?

City, campus police close forever after crime disappears

Unusual Suspects went out looking for the latest in crime reporting this week, calling the London Flatfoots and the campus cops.

News Briefs

> Boars to be hunted; watch out Porky
> Dubya goes to Wealthy, doesn't hook up
> Eugenic clones become sophs...then stick it to frosh
> Students' innards buy food




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