April 1, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 96  

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Campus booze gone, prohibition begins

By Poon Tang
Gazelle Staff

The University of Wealthy Ontarions is officially alcohol-free following the passing of Proposition 33, part of an ongoing effort to eradicate the campus of the scandalous family-destroying drink.

The elimination of the Drunk/Sober program, rising insurance costs and God’s destruction of Sodom, Gomorrah and the on-campus bar The Joke, forced the University Stupids’ Council to cleanse the campus environment, said the mover of the proposition, councillor John Leviticus.

“[Proposition 33] will bring peace to this most holy place of learning and academia,” Leviticus said. “It’s the only path to higher salvation.”

Last week’s motion barely made quorum as many councillors were enjoying the dying moments of The Joke, but passed by a razor-thin margin vote of 20 votes in favour and 18 opposed. After the vote, some of the dissenting councillors accused USC President Paulie Luther of coercing council into supporting the motion by offering them a ‘Get Into Heaven Free’ card.

Due to a dramatic loss of membership, the alcohol ban has subsequently led to the collapse of several USC clubs including the Purple Spurned, the Irish Students’ Union and the Mile High Club.

“This is fucking ridiculous,” said former Spurned president Al Cohol. “[The university] will totally lose its hard-earned reputation as a liquor-soaked sanctuary of bacchanalian splendour.”

Cohol currently operates a newly-opened pet shop in the basement of the University Community Centre, where droves of students have been seen recently, ostensibly to buy cute little dogs to play with now that all other forms of entertainment have been eliminated.

But according to anonymous sources, the pet shop is actually a front for an illicit booze-dispensing speakeasy, a claim Cohol denies. Recent raids by the campus cops have turned up no evidence to back up the accusation, but the police chief said the recent rash of incidents of indiscriminate flashing and crying about ex-boyfriends suggests the ravages of alcohol abuse are just being pushed underground.

In response to the heavy-handed effort by student politicians and campus police to break down supposed booze barons such as Cohol, a new vigilante student group is spearheading efforts to have the motion overturned.

Solidarity for Pilsner, Heineken and Rickard’s is challenging the USC to re-open debate on the issue, and is organizing a ‘drink-in’ on the Concrete Slab to protest the injustice. “Beer drinkers must unite with wine guzzlers for justice — and alcohol — to be served,” said Randy B. Drunk, president of the group. “Only then can we return to having anonymous sex and peeing in public.”



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