Campus booze gone, prohibition begins
By Poon Tang
The University of Wealthy Ontarions is officially alcohol-free
following the passing of Proposition 33, part of an ongoing
effort to eradicate the campus of the scandalous family-destroying
The elimination of the Drunk/Sober program, rising insurance
costs and God’s destruction of Sodom, Gomorrah and the
on-campus bar The Joke, forced the University Stupids’ Council
to cleanse the campus environment, said the mover of the proposition,
councillor John Leviticus.
“[Proposition 33] will bring peace to this most holy
place of learning and academia,” Leviticus said. “It’s
the only path to higher salvation.”
Last week’s motion barely made quorum as many councillors
were enjoying the dying moments of The Joke, but passed by
a razor-thin margin vote of 20 votes in favour and 18 opposed.
After the vote, some of the dissenting councillors accused
USC President Paulie Luther of coercing council into supporting
the motion by offering them a ‘Get Into Heaven Free’ card.
Due to a dramatic loss of membership, the alcohol ban has
subsequently led to the collapse of several USC clubs including
the Purple Spurned, the Irish Students’ Union and the
Mile High Club.
“This is fucking ridiculous,” said former Spurned
president Al Cohol. “[The university] will totally lose
its hard-earned reputation as a liquor-soaked sanctuary of
Cohol currently operates a newly-opened pet shop in the basement
of the University Community Centre, where droves of students
have been seen recently, ostensibly to buy cute little dogs
to play with now that all other forms of entertainment have
But according to anonymous sources, the pet shop is actually
a front for an illicit booze-dispensing speakeasy, a claim
Cohol denies. Recent raids by the campus cops have turned up
no evidence to back up the accusation, but the police chief
said the recent rash of incidents of indiscriminate flashing
and crying about ex-boyfriends suggests the ravages of alcohol
abuse are just being pushed underground.
In response to the heavy-handed effort by student politicians
and campus police to break down supposed booze barons such
as Cohol, a new vigilante student group is spearheading efforts
to have the motion overturned.
Solidarity for Pilsner, Heineken and Rickard’s is challenging
the USC to re-open debate on the issue, and is organizing a ‘drink-in’ on
the Concrete Slab to protest the injustice. “Beer drinkers
must unite with wine guzzlers for justice — and alcohol — to
be served,” said Randy B. Drunk, president of the group. “Only
then can we return to having anonymous sex and peeing in public.”