April 1, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 96  

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NEWS

Faculties fighting over new graduate rings

By Alltoo Familiar
Gazelle Staff

You might want to stay out of buildings for a while, as engineers have had their attention diverted by a perceived threat at the hands of University of Wealthy Ontarions’ faculties.

Since 1922, graduating engineers have received an iron pinkie ring to symbolize their responsibility as people who build stuff. “The Ritual Calling of the Engineer,” composed by noted Banana Republic leader Kudyard Ripling, is a sacred oath taken by engineers in memory of a 1907 tragedy in which a badly built statue collapsed, thus bringing a quick end to a game of Jenga.

Now, however, the tradition is being usurped by a number of different groups on campus. It all began when the Poison Ivy Business School announced their graduates would be receiving golden rings. Ivy Students’ Council President Emile Moneybags insisted the golden rings were not meant to slight the engineers in any way.

“We had a surplus of gold in our Scrooge McDuck money vault, so we decided that since our building is already built of gold anyway, rings were the next natural step,” Moneybags said.

“It’s not like we’d copy a stupid iron ring anyway,” he said. “There’s nothing stylish about iron. It reminds me of that time that my incompetent butler Winston forgot to iron my shirt and forced me to walk around with it slightly less starchy than usual.”

Following Ivy’s lead, other Wealthy clubs and faculties have decided upon the ring as the perfect gift to outgoing graduates.

• The maniacal, idiotic and communist department, as a symbol of a curriculum filled with comic books, is giving their students Green Lantern rings. Governments, media outlets and advertising companies are said to be terrified of a bunch of super-powerful, pissed-off left-wingers.

• The UWO Catholic Students’ Organization is not only giving its students rings, but is also providing old Italian men to kiss them.

• The Women’s Insanity Network is providing their members with clitoris rings.

• The arts faculty is handing out onion rings, since arts students will invariably end up working at Harvey’s someday.

• The football team is giving their players championship rings, as soon as they build a time machine that will take them back to the early ’90s.

• Movie students will receive a ring and then travel to New Zealand to throw it into a volcano.

• Medical science students will receive ringworm.

• Social science students will receive a large and ugly ring that was designed in the 1970s.
“I’m really pissed off about this whole thing,” said engineering student Bridgey O’Blueprint. “There aren’t any girls in our faculty, so at least give us something to be proud of! Throw us a frickin’ bone!”

 

 

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