Faculties fighting over new graduate rings
By Alltoo Familiar
You might want to stay out of buildings for a while, as engineers
have had their attention diverted by a perceived threat at
the hands of University of Wealthy Ontarions’ faculties.
Since 1922, graduating engineers have received an iron pinkie
ring to symbolize their responsibility as people who build
stuff. “The Ritual Calling of the Engineer,” composed
by noted Banana Republic leader Kudyard Ripling, is a sacred
oath taken by engineers in memory of a 1907 tragedy in which
a badly built statue collapsed, thus bringing a quick end to
a game of Jenga.
Now, however, the tradition is being usurped by a number of
different groups on campus. It all began when the Poison Ivy
Business School announced their graduates would be receiving
golden rings. Ivy Students’ Council President Emile Moneybags
insisted the golden rings were not meant to slight the engineers
in any way.
“We had a surplus of gold in our Scrooge McDuck money
vault, so we decided that since our building is already built
of gold anyway, rings were the next natural step,” Moneybags
“It’s not like we’d copy a stupid iron ring
anyway,” he said. “There’s nothing stylish
about iron. It reminds me of that time that my incompetent
butler Winston forgot to iron my shirt and forced me to walk
around with it slightly less starchy than usual.”
Following Ivy’s lead, other Wealthy clubs and faculties
have decided upon the ring as the perfect gift to outgoing
• The maniacal, idiotic and communist department, as
a symbol of a curriculum filled with comic books, is giving
their students Green Lantern rings. Governments, media outlets
and advertising companies are said to be terrified of a bunch
of super-powerful, pissed-off left-wingers.
• The UWO Catholic Students’ Organization is not
only giving its students rings, but is also providing old Italian
men to kiss them.
• The Women’s Insanity Network is providing their
members with clitoris rings.
• The arts faculty is handing out onion rings, since
arts students will invariably end up working at Harvey’s
• The football team is giving their players championship
rings, as soon as they build a time machine that will take
them back to the early ’90s.
• Movie students will receive a ring and then travel
to New Zealand to throw it into a volcano.
• Medical science students will receive ringworm.
• Social science students will receive a large and ugly
ring that was designed in the 1970s.
“I’m really pissed off about this whole thing,” said
engineering student Bridgey O’Blueprint. “There aren’t
any girls in our faculty, so at least give us something to be
proud of! Throw us a frickin’ bone!”