Jesus back, two virgins give birth
By Anita Pusse
“I’LL BE BACK.” Like
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jesus said he would be back, and
lo and behold, the Second Coming came true through a
miraculous encounter between an engineering student and
kinesiology student at the University of Wealthy Ontarians.
The Second Coming has finally arrived. Jesus Christ, the Man,
the Sensation, the Son of God is back on Earth and ready to
heal, preach and hopefully turn some water into wine on the
lovely campus of the University of Wealthy Ontarions.
Christ has had difficulty speaking without the aid of an Aramaic
interpreter, but Mel Gibson flew in to town last night.
Reportedly the best thing to happen to Christianity since
the Crusades, Jesus was born again in late December, and spent
the evening in a dirty bath tub at the Motel 6.
“I remember — it was all stinky in the bathtub
and their was no room anywhere so we had to stay there. But
at least it wasn’t a manger. Dude, I hate mangers,” Christ
asserted through Gibson, his interpreter.
Christ is the product of a sordid and chaotic affair between
an engineering student and a kinesiology student; both claim
to be virgins and say they have never even seen each other
“I’ve never actually been naked with a girl. Well,
there was that one time I was flipping through a nudie magazine
on the can with my pants down, but that doesn’t count,” explained
third-year engineering student Ned Bridgebuilder, the ‘father’ of
“I’ll be honest, I’m a virgin,” admitted
second-year kinesiology student Tessa Enshape. “I never
see boys anywhere, but when I became trapped on a hot-air balloon
we couldn’t help ourselves.”
According to the couple, they originally hated each other’s
guts for their physical fitness, or lack thereof.
Enshape explained that her kinesiology regimen has turned
her into a workout queen, forcing her to wake up at 5 a.m.
for a 10-minute marathon, followed by a duel to the death with
a sabre-wielding walrus.
Bridgebuilder admitted that his daily fitness routine consists
of Pythagorean shout-outs to his engineering idols, and redesigning
The physical fitness confrontation almost came to blows, nearly
making it impossible for the two to get along.
But divinity reigned when Enshape suddenly found herself pregnant.
The two virgin Wealthy students still really hate each other,
but they believe a home full of illogical and pointless hate
will be good for baby Jesus, who is planning to become the
new Pope and will be appearing nude on the cover of US Weekly. “Ga
ga goo goo,” Jesus said, after Gibson had left the room.
Bridgebuilder said he thinks the new family will be OK, but
admitted he did have some doubts. “I’ll bet Mary
wasn’t this bitchy,” he said of his baby’s