April 1, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 96  

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NEWS

Jesus back, two virgins give birth

By Anita Pusse
Gazelle Staff
Dank Pickin/Gazelle
“I’LL BE BACK.” Like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jesus said he would be back, and lo and behold, the Second Coming came true through a miraculous encounter between an engineering student and kinesiology student at the University of Wealthy Ontarians.

The Second Coming has finally arrived. Jesus Christ, the Man, the Sensation, the Son of God is back on Earth and ready to heal, preach and hopefully turn some water into wine on the lovely campus of the University of Wealthy Ontarions.

Christ has had difficulty speaking without the aid of an Aramaic interpreter, but Mel Gibson flew in to town last night.

Reportedly the best thing to happen to Christianity since the Crusades, Jesus was born again in late December, and spent the evening in a dirty bath tub at the Motel 6.

“I remember — it was all stinky in the bathtub and their was no room anywhere so we had to stay there. But at least it wasn’t a manger. Dude, I hate mangers,” Christ asserted through Gibson, his interpreter.

Christ is the product of a sordid and chaotic affair between an engineering student and a kinesiology student; both claim to be virgins and say they have never even seen each other naked.

“I’ve never actually been naked with a girl. Well, there was that one time I was flipping through a nudie magazine on the can with my pants down, but that doesn’t count,” explained third-year engineering student Ned Bridgebuilder, the ‘father’ of Jesus.

“I’ll be honest, I’m a virgin,” admitted second-year kinesiology student Tessa Enshape. “I never see boys anywhere, but when I became trapped on a hot-air balloon we couldn’t help ourselves.”

According to the couple, they originally hated each other’s guts for their physical fitness, or lack thereof.

Enshape explained that her kinesiology regimen has turned her into a workout queen, forcing her to wake up at 5 a.m. for a 10-minute marathon, followed by a duel to the death with a sabre-wielding walrus.

Bridgebuilder admitted that his daily fitness routine consists of Pythagorean shout-outs to his engineering idols, and redesigning buildings.
The physical fitness confrontation almost came to blows, nearly making it impossible for the two to get along.

But divinity reigned when Enshape suddenly found herself pregnant.

The two virgin Wealthy students still really hate each other, but they believe a home full of illogical and pointless hate will be good for baby Jesus, who is planning to become the new Pope and will be appearing nude on the cover of US Weekly. “Ga ga goo goo,” Jesus said, after Gibson had left the room.

Bridgebuilder said he thinks the new family will be OK, but admitted he did have some doubts. “I’ll bet Mary wasn’t this bitchy,” he said of his baby’s mother.

 

 

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