April 1, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 96  

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NEWS

Earth, pens, cure for hunger all discovered

By Amiable Fergie
Gazelle Staff

Between essay-induced stress attacks and trying to cram in those last nights of carefree debauchery before finals, its no surprise that keeping up with those pesky current events can be tricky. But fear not! “News for Wealthy Retards” is here with a little alternative education.

After years of avid testing, researchers have finally discovered a cure for hunger. The study, conducted by the Canadian Hunger Society, cited food consumption as the leading treatment for hunger patients. Researchers added that side effects may include mild fatigue, a temporary decrease in appetite and bloating. Some subjects also reported weight gain after long periods of intensive treatment. Contact your doctor if you think eating is right for you.

Self-help guru Trouser X. Pert released his latest novel this week, entitled How to Put on Pants. According to Pert, the most successful way to put on pants is to use the following step-by-step approach. Step 1: insert your right foot into the right leg of your pants. Step 2: insert your left foot into the left leg of your pants. Step 3: grasp the waistband and pull in an upwards motion. Pert added that for peak efficiency, shoes should not be worn during the procedure.

This just in, a recent study shows that ingesting cyanide can have potentially fatal results. Also on the list of things that may prove lethal: inhaling large quantities of water, jumping from tall buildings and standing in front of moving vehicles. No word yet as to whether being impaled by sharp pointy objects made the list.

A University of Wealthy Ontarions student stumbled across a new use for pens this week. That’s right, they’re not just a jaunty, behind-the-ear accessory anymore! It was discovered that when dragged across a surface, pens leave behind a permanent mark. This act of pen-dragging, or “writing” as the student called it, is best suited for use on paper, especially that of the lined variety. The breakthrough has paved the way for further studies to determine whether pencils can be utilized in a similar fashion.

Earlier this week, scientists discovered a planet they have tentatively named “Earth.” The planet, which we are told appears blue and green from space, orbits a large fiery mass called the “Sun,” and is in turn orbited by a smaller grey mass called the “Moon.” Debate as to whether there is intelligent life on the planet is ongoing, but initial reports suggest the outlook is grim.

 

 

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