Earth, pens, cure for hunger all discovered
By Amiable Fergie
Between essay-induced stress attacks and trying to cram in
those last nights of carefree debauchery before finals, its
no surprise that keeping up with those pesky current events
can be tricky. But fear not! “News for Wealthy Retards” is
here with a little alternative education.
After years of avid testing, researchers have finally discovered
a cure for hunger. The study, conducted by the Canadian Hunger
Society, cited food consumption as the leading treatment for
hunger patients. Researchers added that side effects may include
mild fatigue, a temporary decrease in appetite and bloating.
Some subjects also reported weight gain after long periods
of intensive treatment. Contact your doctor if you think eating
is right for you.
Self-help guru Trouser X. Pert released his latest novel this
week, entitled How to Put on Pants. According to Pert, the
most successful way to put on pants is to use the following
step-by-step approach. Step 1: insert your right foot into
the right leg of your pants. Step 2: insert your left foot
into the left leg of your pants. Step 3: grasp the waistband
and pull in an upwards motion. Pert added that for peak efficiency,
shoes should not be worn during the procedure.
This just in, a recent study shows that ingesting cyanide
can have potentially fatal results. Also on the list of things
that may prove lethal: inhaling large quantities of water,
jumping from tall buildings and standing in front of moving
vehicles. No word yet as to whether being impaled by sharp
pointy objects made the list.
A University of Wealthy Ontarions student stumbled across
a new use for pens this week. That’s right, they’re
not just a jaunty, behind-the-ear accessory anymore! It was
discovered that when dragged across a surface, pens leave behind
a permanent mark. This act of pen-dragging, or “writing” as
the student called it, is best suited for use on paper, especially
that of the lined variety. The breakthrough has paved the way
for further studies to determine whether pencils can be utilized
in a similar fashion.
Earlier this week, scientists discovered a planet they have
tentatively named “Earth.” The planet, which we
are told appears blue and green from space, orbits a large
fiery mass called the “Sun,” and is in turn orbited
by a smaller grey mass called the “Moon.” Debate
as to whether there is intelligent life on the planet is ongoing,
but initial reports suggest the outlook is grim.