April 1, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 96  

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NEWS

London introduces sexy new revenue source

By Dildo Baggins
Gazelle Staff

London city council recently announced it will be providing residents with a tax decrease for the first time in recorded history.

According to Tom Gosford, the City Hall controller, “this year’s budget surplus has everything to do with council’s decision to get involved with municipally funded rub ’n’ tugs. The amount of revenue generated from these ventures has been surprisingly large.”

Gosford recognized the R-T outside the Richmond St. Gates as having the highest surplus in the city. “The rub ’n’ tug operating above Kristina’s Pub gets a lot of business from horny Wealthy students looking for a little recreation after class,” he said.

Sharia Poon, proprietor of Pee-Wee’s Bawdy Bureau at 1131 Richmond St., credited her location near the university campus as the primary key to her success. “A lot of our business is from lusty students with an hour or two off between class,” she said.

Poon also mentioned that Pee-Wee’s offers services for people of all backgrounds or sexual orientations. “Man, woman, gay, straight; we service them all right here,” she explained.
She also noted that the R ’n’ T is an equal opportunity employer. Several of their employees are handicapped, have speech impediments or are blind.

“For some people, that is a real turn on,” she said, adding many of the clients also like rub ’n’ tug attendants who cannot speak English and carry on an intelligible conversation, thus offering abounding job opportunities to Wealthy’s English students.

Universal Stupids’ Council President Paulie Luther admitted he too enjoys the services afforded by the kind attendants. “I’m very partial to the ones with the hands — it’s like being fondled by a frog, only with opposable thumps so they can get complete coverage.”

The parlour has been criticized from community groups such as Families Against Sexual Collegiate and Informal Similar Mishappenings. “We are strongly opposed to any of this shameful behaviour,” said Peg Morse, leader of FASCISM.

“If we had our way, university students would be sterilized upon admittance and then the only way they could reproduce would be through artificial insemination of the anus, creating a new generation of ass babies,” she added in a monomaniacal manner.

 

 

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