London introduces sexy new revenue source
By Dildo Baggins
London city council recently announced it will be providing
residents with a tax decrease for the first time in recorded
According to Tom Gosford, the City Hall controller, “this
year’s budget surplus has everything to do with council’s
decision to get involved with municipally funded rub ’n’ tugs.
The amount of revenue generated from these ventures has been
Gosford recognized the R-T outside the Richmond St. Gates
as having the highest surplus in the city. “The rub ’n’ tug
operating above Kristina’s Pub gets a lot of business
from horny Wealthy students looking for a little recreation
after class,” he said.
Sharia Poon, proprietor of Pee-Wee’s Bawdy Bureau at
1131 Richmond St., credited her location near the university
campus as the primary key to her success. “A lot of our
business is from lusty students with an hour or two off between
class,” she said.
Poon also mentioned that Pee-Wee’s offers services for
people of all backgrounds or sexual orientations. “Man,
woman, gay, straight; we service them all right here,” she
She also noted that the R ’n’ T is an equal opportunity
employer. Several of their employees are handicapped, have
speech impediments or are blind.
“For some people, that is a real turn on,” she
said, adding many of the clients also like rub ’n’ tug
attendants who cannot speak English and carry on an intelligible
conversation, thus offering abounding job opportunities to
Wealthy’s English students.
Universal Stupids’ Council President Paulie Luther admitted
he too enjoys the services afforded by the kind attendants. “I’m
very partial to the ones with the hands — it’s
like being fondled by a frog, only with opposable thumps so
they can get complete coverage.”
The parlour has been criticized from community groups such
as Families Against Sexual Collegiate and Informal Similar
Mishappenings. “We are strongly opposed to any of this
shameful behaviour,” said Peg Morse, leader of FASCISM.
“If we had our way, university students would be sterilized
upon admittance and then the only way they could reproduce
would be through artificial insemination of the anus, creating
a new generation of ass babies,” she added in a monomaniacal