Big purple mat causes ruckus, swallows guy
By Sally Scoopchaser
In a bizarre incident yesterday, the widely despised “Big
Purple Welcome Mat,” credited with shattering the aesthetic
appeal of the newly constructed Concrete Slab, devoured second-year
engineering student Winny Moulandeep.
The welcome mat, a large purple ground covering, opened up
and swallowed Moulandeep while he stood on it describing his
feelings about it.
“He was just on a rant, saying how much he hated it,” said
a witness to the event who asked to remain anonymous. “As
he was talking about the ugly purple mat, he looked like he
lost his footing — but what really happened was the mat
opened up beneath him and he fell into it.”
The campus cops and the Student Emergency Reaction People
were both called to the scene.
“It was the most bizarre call I’ve ever responded
to,” said Olga Moster, a constable with campus cops. “All
the people on the Concrete Slab were in hysterics, screaming
that the mat had swallowed someone.” Moster confirmed
that police have been unable to locate Moulandeep as of yet.
Moster explained that campus cops turned to the web cam — which
was set up to monitor the progress of the Concrete Slab construction — to
determine what actually had happened to Moulandeep. “As
far as we can tell from the web cam footage, it appears the
doormat opened up and the man fell into it,” he said.
Danny Puzzlit, physical plant supervisor, was present when
the web cam images were examined by campus cops. “It
is quite clear from the footage that the boy fell into the
doormat; I have no idea what could have caused this.”
When asked to comment on the incident, VP-stuff&things
Jordie McSorley had no response, but pointed to a press release
sent out by administration.
“The purple welcome mat is a wonderful addition to the
Concrete Slab generously provided by a joint administration
and University Stupids’ Council funding plan. Students
should look to the many wonderful opportunities the mat will
provide, for cushy walking and a flashy purple colour splash,” the
When confronted with witnesses, web cam footage and testimony
from campus police officers, McSorley had this to say: “We
hope to see a positive story about the welcome mat; there’s
not enough good news in The Gazelle.”