April 1, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 96  

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Big purple mat causes ruckus, swallows guy

By Sally Scoopchaser
Gazelle Staff

In a bizarre incident yesterday, the widely despised “Big Purple Welcome Mat,” credited with shattering the aesthetic appeal of the newly constructed Concrete Slab, devoured second-year engineering student Winny Moulandeep.

The welcome mat, a large purple ground covering, opened up and swallowed Moulandeep while he stood on it describing his feelings about it.

“He was just on a rant, saying how much he hated it,” said a witness to the event who asked to remain anonymous. “As he was talking about the ugly purple mat, he looked like he lost his footing — but what really happened was the mat opened up beneath him and he fell into it.”

The campus cops and the Student Emergency Reaction People were both called to the scene.

“It was the most bizarre call I’ve ever responded to,” said Olga Moster, a constable with campus cops. “All the people on the Concrete Slab were in hysterics, screaming that the mat had swallowed someone.” Moster confirmed that police have been unable to locate Moulandeep as of yet.

Moster explained that campus cops turned to the web cam — which was set up to monitor the progress of the Concrete Slab construction — to determine what actually had happened to Moulandeep. “As far as we can tell from the web cam footage, it appears the doormat opened up and the man fell into it,” he said.

Danny Puzzlit, physical plant supervisor, was present when the web cam images were examined by campus cops. “It is quite clear from the footage that the boy fell into the doormat; I have no idea what could have caused this.”

When asked to comment on the incident, VP-stuff&things Jordie McSorley had no response, but pointed to a press release sent out by administration.

“The purple welcome mat is a wonderful addition to the Concrete Slab generously provided by a joint administration and University Stupids’ Council funding plan. Students should look to the many wonderful opportunities the mat will provide, for cushy walking and a flashy purple colour splash,” the release said.

When confronted with witnesses, web cam footage and testimony from campus police officers, McSorley had this to say: “We hope to see a positive story about the welcome mat; there’s not enough good news in The Gazelle.”



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