April 1, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 96  

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NEWS

City, campus police close
forever after crime disappears

By Adam Antly-Shirley
Gazette Staff

Unusual Suspects went out looking for the latest in crime reporting this week, calling the London Flatfoots and the campus cops.

“Well, there was one guy this weekend who got lost on campus,” said campus cop spokesperson Al Gin-Costin. “We picked him up and he thanked us for calling his mommy.

“We also had an incident on the Concrete Slab this Friday; it was some kind of protest, I think, but we busted their heads good,” he said.

“Really?” The Gazelle asked.

“No, not really — but saying shit like that makes us feel better about being those annoying bastards who steal kids’ stashes. I mean, we went to college too.

“There was one incident that really happened though. We were sitting having a coffee in CentreSnot — the four of us and four London Flatfoots — when this chair comes hurtling down the University Community Centre staircase.

“We got out our nightsticks, and got ready to bash their skulls.”

“Could you stick to the facts, please? Did anything actually happen?”

“No.”

Frustrated, The Gazelle gave the London Flatfoots a call, and talked to media relations officer Molly Parton.

“Nothing happened this week,” she said. She also mentioned that the department is preparing for a little civil unrest at Dundas and Adelaide Sts..

“Well, unless someone knocks over a Tim Hortons, we don’t actually do any work at all,” Parton said.

Indeed, London’s hostile climate has left citizens concerned.

“There’s obviously no crime,” said every taxpayer in the city (this reporter assumes). “It makes you wonder why we have a police department at all.”

 

 

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