City, campus police close
forever after crime disappears
By Adam Antly-Shirley
Unusual Suspects went out looking for the latest in crime
reporting this week, calling the London Flatfoots and the campus
“Well, there was one guy this weekend who got lost on
campus,” said campus cop spokesperson Al Gin-Costin. “We
picked him up and he thanked us for calling his mommy.
“We also had an incident on the Concrete Slab this Friday;
it was some kind of protest, I think, but we busted their heads
good,” he said.
“Really?” The Gazelle asked.
“No, not really — but saying shit like that makes
us feel better about being those annoying bastards who steal
kids’ stashes. I mean, we went to college too.
“There was one incident that really happened though.
We were sitting having a coffee in CentreSnot — the four
of us and four London Flatfoots — when this chair comes
hurtling down the University Community Centre staircase.
“We got out our nightsticks, and got ready to bash their
“Could you stick to the facts, please? Did anything
Frustrated, The Gazelle gave the London Flatfoots a call,
and talked to media relations officer Molly Parton.
“Nothing happened this week,” she said. She also
mentioned that the department is preparing for a little civil
unrest at Dundas and Adelaide Sts..
“Well, unless someone knocks over a Tim Hortons, we
don’t actually do any work at all,” Parton said.
Indeed, London’s hostile climate has left citizens concerned.
“There’s obviously no crime,” said every
taxpayer in the city (this reporter assumes). “It makes
you wonder why we have a police department at all.”