Boars to be hunted; watch
Coming from a long line of fox hunters, the London Hunt Club
will be holding boar-hunting expeditions on campus to spice
up the slaughter of animals as part of a new academic program.
“The decision comes in light of a desire to kill ugly,
dumb animals, and since we ran out of horse-headed podiatrist
students, we thought what the hey!” said University of
Wealthy Ontarians VP-big game hunter, Brent Crosshairs.
The new boar-hunting program will allow only the most sadistic
students to join, allowing them to let loose on campus and
track down a boar to wrestle — with only a set of brass
“Other schools have been using the same program with
boars or vicious tigers to thin out the ranks of the student
population that have swelled since the double cohort,” he
Any interested students can enroll — they just have
to bring their own high-powered rifle and an unquenchable thirst
for boar blood.
Dubya goes to Wealthy, doesn’t
Wealthy has played host to numerous heads of state, but never
has its campus been graced by the presence of a figure as “respected” as
United States President George W. Bush.
Bush made a minor gaffe yesterday during a press conference
from the presidential sandbox behind the White House, when
he announced his intention of speaking at Wealthy on Apr. 31.
“First and foremost, I will thank the British people
for their support defending democracy and freedom in Iraq,” Bush
said. After an aide whispered in his ear, Bush went on to say
he looks forward to visiting London, Ontario as well. “I
enjoy indulging in Canadian culture. The wife and I went to
see Céline [Dion] in Las Vegas last month. I’m
a big fan of poutine too, although Dick Cheney can’t
have any; not too good for the ticker, you now.”
Bush said he plans to investigate rumours of weapons of mass
destruction hidden in CentreSnot. “The Pita Pit, with
its Middle Western-styled culinary treats, raises concerns
for us,” he said. “That communist Chinese restaurant
could also pose a threat to national security.”
Eugenic clones become sophs...
then stick it to frosh
The University Stupids’ Council has decided to stop accepting
soph applications from normal students.
The decision comes after the USC decided to create a eugenics
program that would eventually give birth to an uber soph, a
mono-maniacal being capable of seducing 10 times more frosh
than regular sophs.
“The new genetically engineered sophs don’t drink,
don’t do drugs and are completely wholesome, unlike the
normal sophs,” said USC President Paulie Luther. “The
only drawback is that the eugenic sophs want to hump frosh
right after O-Week.”
Luther added that the bio-sophs are more fit than their human
predecessors and they are vigorous, a quality he said he hopes
will keep frosh coming back again.
He noted that O-Week is seeming more and more like day camp
and the sophs like camp counsellors, so there was a clear need
for an X-rated feature for the frosh that their parents would
not find out about.
Plans will not be limited to sophs; there are already plans
underway for a new residence advisor. “We’re thinking
of creating a part-robotic RA that will be directly controlled
by Hosting, ensuring there will be no chance of fun occurring
in residences,” Luther said.
Students’ innards buy
Students now have another option for paying for their astronomically
high meals at CentreSnot: their organs.
Gougey Buck, manager of CentreSnot, said the new program will
offer students the option of donating a kidney or their appendix
for supper, and for a vital organ, such as a lung, students
will get a month’s worth of dinner.
“The offer will perfectly compliment our other deal
that allows students to sell their souls in exchange for unlimited
food,” she said. “The soul deal is especially popular
with some of the student politicians.”
Buck explained the reasoning behind the deal comes in light
of some of the inefficient means used by CentreSnot before,
such as holding students upside down and shaking them, or the
tried and trusted method of punching them in the stomach and
stealing their wallets or purses.
“We are just trying to rob students, $100 at a time,” she
—Wile E. Jackass