April 1, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 96  

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News Briefs

Boars to be hunted; watch out Porky
Coming from a long line of fox hunters, the London Hunt Club will be holding boar-hunting expeditions on campus to spice up the slaughter of animals as part of a new academic program.

“The decision comes in light of a desire to kill ugly, dumb animals, and since we ran out of horse-headed podiatrist students, we thought what the hey!” said University of Wealthy Ontarians VP-big game hunter, Brent Crosshairs.

The new boar-hunting program will allow only the most sadistic students to join, allowing them to let loose on campus and track down a boar to wrestle — with only a set of brass knuckles.

“Other schools have been using the same program with boars or vicious tigers to thin out the ranks of the student population that have swelled since the double cohort,” he added.

Any interested students can enroll — they just have to bring their own high-powered rifle and an unquenchable thirst for boar blood.

Dubya goes to Wealthy, doesn’t hook up
Wealthy has played host to numerous heads of state, but never has its campus been graced by the presence of a figure as “respected” as United States President George W. Bush.

Bush made a minor gaffe yesterday during a press conference from the presidential sandbox behind the White House, when he announced his intention of speaking at Wealthy on Apr. 31.

“First and foremost, I will thank the British people for their support defending democracy and freedom in Iraq,” Bush said. After an aide whispered in his ear, Bush went on to say he looks forward to visiting London, Ontario as well. “I enjoy indulging in Canadian culture. The wife and I went to see Céline [Dion] in Las Vegas last month. I’m a big fan of poutine too, although Dick Cheney can’t have any; not too good for the ticker, you now.”

Bush said he plans to investigate rumours of weapons of mass destruction hidden in CentreSnot. “The Pita Pit, with its Middle Western-styled culinary treats, raises concerns for us,” he said. “That communist Chinese restaurant could also pose a threat to national security.”

—Hugh Groin

Eugenic clones become sophs...
then stick it to frosh

The University Stupids’ Council has decided to stop accepting soph applications from normal students.
The decision comes after the USC decided to create a eugenics program that would eventually give birth to an uber soph, a mono-maniacal being capable of seducing 10 times more frosh than regular sophs.

“The new genetically engineered sophs don’t drink, don’t do drugs and are completely wholesome, unlike the normal sophs,” said USC President Paulie Luther. “The only drawback is that the eugenic sophs want to hump frosh right after O-Week.”

Luther added that the bio-sophs are more fit than their human predecessors and they are vigorous, a quality he said he hopes will keep frosh coming back again.

He noted that O-Week is seeming more and more like day camp and the sophs like camp counsellors, so there was a clear need for an X-rated feature for the frosh that their parents would not find out about.

Plans will not be limited to sophs; there are already plans underway for a new residence advisor. “We’re thinking of creating a part-robotic RA that will be directly controlled by Hosting, ensuring there will be no chance of fun occurring in residences,” Luther said.

Students’ innards buy food
Students now have another option for paying for their astronomically high meals at CentreSnot: their organs.

Gougey Buck, manager of CentreSnot, said the new program will offer students the option of donating a kidney or their appendix for supper, and for a vital organ, such as a lung, students will get a month’s worth of dinner.

“The offer will perfectly compliment our other deal that allows students to sell their souls in exchange for unlimited food,” she said. “The soul deal is especially popular with some of the student politicians.”

Buck explained the reasoning behind the deal comes in light of some of the inefficient means used by CentreSnot before, such as holding students upside down and shaking them, or the tried and trusted method of punching them in the stomach and stealing their wallets or purses.

“We are just trying to rob students, $100 at a time,” she noted.

—Wile E. Jackass



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