April 1, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 96  

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New rules in time for NHL playoffs

By Mike Hawk
Gazelle Staff

Gazelle File Photo
THE LADIES ALWAYS SAID I HAD A BETTER CHANCE OF SCORING WITHOUT THE BEARD. New NHL regulations are improving players on and off-ice performance.

On Friday, the NHL players’ union and the league agreed on several new rules changes expected to make this year’s playoffs the most watched edition ever.

There’s been a lot of bitchin’ and complainin’ in the media about the style and speed of Canada’s most popular game, but now, because of pressure from U.S. television stations in the United States to increase ratings, the NHL has instituted some new rules.

One of the most popular changes to the game will be the acceptance of wrapping the hands with tin foil before the game. This strategy, best seen in the movie Slapshot, will ensure there are no more boring draws in hockey fights. As well, to keep American viewers from losing interest, fighting will be encouraged by only penalizing the loser of the fight. As a result, Senators forward Chris Neil is not expected to play the remainder of the season.

Another change expected to draw a greater share of the U.S. market is the introduction of the Zamboni Grand Prix between periods. Since NASCAR draws more viewers in the U.S. than hockey ever will, the NHL has agreed to host Zamboni races between the first and second periods. This event is expected to replace the Super Bowl half-time show as the most watched intermission in sports. A spokesman for a major U.S. network is excited about the new plans.

“The Zamboni Grand Prix will combine the excitement of watching left hand turns with the anticipation of seeing more left hand turns,” he says. The spokesman went on to say that his network has already sold all the advertising spots for the playoffs.

Another change receiving mixed reviews among the players is the introduction of a shot clock into the game. The shot clock, similar to the NBA, will force players to register a shot on goal within 30 seconds of touching the puck. This rule change is expected to result in a drastic increase in scoring and will hopefully eliminate the need for passing. Maple Leafs’s goaltender Ed Belfour believes the shot clock will do more harm than good.

“This is only forcing players to take shots from centre ice,” says the visually disgusting Belfour. “I haven’t stopped a shot taken from behind the blue line all year.” Belfour, who is 0 for 78 on shots he should have saved, plans on issuing a complaint with the league.

Finally, as a reaction to many complaints U.S. viewers have logged regarding the players’ appearance during games, the NHL has instituted a self-dignity rule. This rule will require that all players pass an appearance test administered by the league prior to each game. Maple Leafs forward Bryan Marchment, whose face is currently not allowed to be shown on network television before 9 p.m., has already made plans to purchase a tinted visor.

Despite the efforts by many players to accommodate the new rules, there are still many who reject the notion the game needs to be changed. Senators captain Daniel Alfredsson, who was seen making reservations for a golf course in early April, believes the rules are not helping the game.

“The league wants me to cut my hair and shave my stupid mustache,” says the single-and-not-looking Ottawa captain. “Next they are going to tell me I can’t wear a skirt to the games anymore!”

The new rules are expected to attract a record audience to this season’s playoffs, and commissioner Gary Bettman has stated that if the season is a success, he will consider implementing further changes for the 2004/05 season.



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